Bent, not broken

Wanted: closure.

2012-01-31T19:01:00.003-07:00

When I was a young kid, I remember my mom having conversations with other moms about "mom stuff". You know, pretty much the same stuff that you and I would talk about if we chatted it up? Since the beginning of time, I'm pretty sure not too much has changed. Well, okay I'm sure some of it has.. we've graduated from "I just have to tell you how Timmy makes me so angry, he just WON'T learn how to make his own fire at bedtime..he just throws stones at me!" to well.. you can probably just fill in your own blank.

One of the things I remember was how everyone thought my mom was single.

My mom wasn't single. But I can say that my dad never once visited the schools we all attended, not a single time. I remember my mom's reaction to people thinking she was the parent of (at that time) 6 kids. She would sort of pause.. and look away, usually down at me, and then say how my dad was just at home. She would make it sound like my dad was a "stay at home daddy". My dad was at home, never worked, but he didn't care for any of us. I mean that in both ways- he was depressed about being a father and he didn't do anything with us kids when in his care. He was a true hermit.

I love my dad. I mean, I can't say that he was the worst person to walk the earth when he was alive. But he was a sick guy. He was very depressed and battled with alcoholism for years. Years that pretty much took over my whole childhood. I don't remember seeing my dad sober in the late evenings. Early mornings when we would all get up for school, he was usually heading to bed after drinking all night.
And my dad didn't go to the corner bar. He stayed at home and drank, which if I can give him an bonus points at least he didn't drive anyway. We didn't own a car at all growing up so those were easy points I suppose.
I remember after he had his first heart attack, he said that he was going to eat right and take better care of his body. That meant from switching to cans of beer from his usual Peppermint Schnapps.

My dad passed away a few days before James' 2nd birthday from his 2nd heart attack. When his body was found in his apartment it was noted that there was a can of beer on the kitchen counter.
To this day... to this very day I wonder if he relapsed. He was sober for a good 12 years and had a relapse about 3 years after he quit drinking alcohol. I remember him telling me how upset he was with himself with that relapse. But he got right back on track and did everything he had to do to make sure he stayed sober. I was always in awe of him. I saw him in 2000 and in 2002 while he lived in Portland, OR and the first thing I always noticed right from leaving the airplane was his smile.
My dad never smiled when we grew up. He hated his rotting teeth, sure. But he couldn't smile. He didn't have a single feeling in his body to make him smile.

I always go back and forth with being upset about my shitty childhood and with how much my dad changed when he was sober. It was a pleasure to see him sober. It was a life-changing moment for him and for me. I got to know how this person really was instead of an overweight, super-depressed, angry guy that would shoo me away if I asked for homework help. He was a really nice guy.

Now that I'm 33 and I will sometimes go to those memories in my brain and then I feel upset about my dad neglecting us- that moment I saw him truly sober for the first time helps me to cope with it all. A year after my dad started his sober journey, you could tell he was in the middle of a very exhausting war, but he was fucking winning it. And he was feeling a little proud of himself. He didn't feel defeated. He felt hopeful. You could see that in his face and I remind myself of that whenever I get angry at him.

I get angry that he's not around anymore. He can't be a grandpa, a dad-in-law to a man who he would LOVE and never even met. He can't be my dad anymore and it makes me so angry. I wanted him to see how awesome little kids could be when you're sober and he would have loved James and Natalie. He would see how quirky they are and know that some of that comes from his quirky daughter who comes from a quirky father. He would see how beautiful that is and he's missing it.

But someone is definitely watching out for Natalie.. I've been convinced more than once that Natalie was comforted by some of our closest family members who have passed away in the past few years. "They" are also why she gets through her life thriving the way she does. I've had so many dreams where my dad was hugging her and even just typing that makes me tear up. I know that he's around her when she's in the hospital..I've felt it many times.

So it's been 4 years that he's been gone and I still wonder why that can of beer was found in his apartment. Isn't that kind of silly? I wonder what he was going through.. He would never just call me up to tell me that he was having a rough time. And actually, he didn't speak to me for over a year before he death and it took me a long time, but I realized why.. things probably weren't great for him. Here I was, raising a toddling baby and an infant..I know my dad because he would say something like "well I knew you were busy with the kids..."
It's just frustrating. For some reason, today is just one of those days where I miss him like hell. I know it's probably typical for someone like me to have "daddy issues" but most of the issues I have are with how I never really got closure with my dad's death. I don't have a single thing, other than a few photos, that belong to him. It's hard.

But it just makes me hug my husband more because I lucked out in the daddy, husband department.

Big time.

maybe I should marry my phone. Or not. Hm.

2012-01-30T10:00:00.001-07:00

I never thought I'd be the type of person who is completely attached to their fancy cell phone. But let me back up here, what "type" am I talking about? I can't speak for everyone, but I can that for me, I fall into the category of "mom", "obsessive compulsive", "lover of gadgets", "in need of something to distract herself with", and "constantly never wanting to miss anything".
That pretty much describes why I love my iPhone. And yes, it's the $50 phone that I got a year ago. I love that phone more every day. Just for poops and giggles, I snagged a photo of what my screen looks like. Don't you like kind of sneaking a glance of what other people's phones look like? No? Just me?

I'm going to make fun of myself for a quick minute here. I don't use a few of the things here (which may seem obvious) because look! the "newstand" is totally empty. That looks sad. I also don't use the "productivity" stuff, because I guess I'm just not productive enough. I barely use Netflix or Blogger or Foursquare. But you know me, I use WebMD often! Perfect for those "on the go" freak out moments of health! Foodily is ok I guess. I'm also obsessed with the "App Store" when there's an update. I have to update RIGHT AWAY, RIGHT NOW! There was an update this morning and I don't know why I get so excited about that. Maybe because before clicking on it you don't know what it is. It could be a Facebook update! Or even a Google+ update. But no, it ends up being like a useless update for one of your useless free apps. Here Natalie, here's a stupid update for your Barbie Fashion thing.
Sigh. Maybe tomorrow.

bittersweet.

2012-01-29T19:34:00.001-07:00

I read a post very recently from one of my favorite heart moms. It's right here if you'd like to read it, too:

http://whenlifehandsyouabrokenheart.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-think-i-want-to-throw-up-now.html

The title of her post is exactly how I feel, too. I am kind of scared of Natalie going to kindergarten in the fall. See, I know that she has to go. It's part of her growing up and being as "normal" as possible. There's a tiny part of me inside somewhere that is really excited about this part of her life coming up. I love seeing my children grow up, even if they are still very young.

I had a bit of anxiety when I signed James up for kindergarten last year. All I could think about where the germs, the constant germs, how he'll get Natalie sick, how he'll get sick all of the time, and how different it would be for him. I was so scared that graduating from a calm preschool environment (where the regularly wash their hands) into a very large kindergarten classroom would be a nightmare. Well, a little nightmare. He barely gets to even wash his hands, let alone even use hand sanitizer. I haven't figured out yet if he's just choosing not to do it, because he is a boy. In preschool he had someone making sure he was doing something so simple. In kindergarten he's just another kid..in another classroom..in another big huge environment..with not enough eyes watching him.

I don't even think it's the germs that scare me so much anymore. It's more about the major structure change of regular elementary school that scares me. Because in August, Natalie will be lumped in there, too...and I want to cry.

I hate that I can't homeschool the kids. I hate that I don't even know if I could homeschool the kids. Lots of factors that I thought about and as usual with most life decisions, home schooling is kind of pricey.

And as much as I hate to admit it, Natalie really needs the socialization. That's also why I never home schooled James- he's way too social of a kid to be at home a good part of the time. I would feel weird to try homeschooling one kid but send the other one to public school. Just wouldn't feel right.

With how rough and tumble kids are.. how bullying starts at the early age of 5 now.. I'm so scared that Natalie will get hurt. I'm so scared that the school won't look out for her. I'm kind of scared that she'll be perceived as so normal-looking that everyone that works at the school will forget about her special heart. It's like.. you hate to point out the heart condition so much but in this case, I feel like I'll never point it out enough. I can picture, in my head right now, Natalie being like 8 and rolling her eyes at me for all of this. Saying something like, "okaaaay mom... gaaahhh", with her hands on her hips.

Natalie is rough and tumble. She's just as strong and energetic as any other 4, almost 5 year old kid. And I know that wherever she goes to school she'll have 2 parents advocating the hell out of her. We'll constantly be reminding school officials about her condition and disability status. I just don't want anything to happen to her. This is so silly I know.. I just get so scared that a classmate will slam onto her chest at recess..something like that. The teacher liaison at James' school suggested I have Natalie wear a chest protector at school. I don't even know how I feel about that. I mean, it would actually highlight her disability even more. I know... there's no way to make me happy here. It's like, do I highlight it or have her pretend like she doesn't need protection.

I just want her to be okay.

This summer, we're definitely moving to a different place. We'd really like to move to a different county altogether, but the only real requirement is that we have a little more space for the kids and the neighborhood needs to be a little better. Let's face it, our income keeps us in the low-income elementary school bracket. There's a pretty big chance that the kids are going to end up at a school a lot like the one where James is now. On a weekly basis, James is getting pummeled by some kid at recess. Some days it's just an accident, others it's not. I also know that James is a boy. The girls in his class stick together, usually out of harms way.

To be even more realistic, I could send the kids to a 5 star school and there's still just as much chance of getting hurt. It just really doesn't matter. I hope that when we have our 504 plan all set in place, that Natalie will be taken care of and looked out for. It's the biggest thing I can wish for. I think it's the biggest thing we wish for all of our children- heart healthy or not.

James and the Giant Peach.

2012-01-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

*James is reading chapter books now. I can't believe it. I mean, I can believe it because he's such a bright guy. But.... my son.... is..reading...chapter..books. Totally blown away.

*James has a new BFF in his class and it's a girl. He whispers to me that they're boyfriend and girlfriend. I wonder what that means in kindergarten. Does he share his scissors with her? Do they swap lunches? Do they read together? It all sounds cute. He gets so embarrassed when I tease him about it. I only tease him a little bit, because it's my job. And when he has something new to tell me about her he comes to me and whispers it. So, I don't think I'm embarrassing him enough.

*When it's Friday morning, I can wake James up with total ease. He bolts right up and jumps off of the top bunk full of excitement. He has already learned that the weekends are the BEST. When it's Friday evening he asks "do I got to school tomorrow?" and when we say "nope" he lets out a big "YEEESSSS" with a fist pump! When it's Sunday afternoon, almost evening he asks if he has to go back to school the next day. When we say "yup" he lets out a big "AWWW NOOOOO" with no fist pump.

*James is still the only boy in his class that treats the girls like little ladies. The rest of the boys are rough and just.. well...crazy. I keep telling him how great it is that he's so sweet to them. I guess maybe I'm doing something right at home.

*When James was sick last weekend he handled it so well. Granted, it was just a cold but even when he was a baby, he would get sick and just sleep, even all night. There was one night where he had a hard time with a really stuffy nose, but he still just laid there and relaxed in his bed at 3:30am. Don't tell Natalie, but he's my favorite sick kid. (sorry Natalie... but you're my favorite little lady).

*Kids in his class call him "James and the Giant Peach".

another face of CHD..

2012-01-27T15:57:00.004-07:00

Natalie is 4...

..and proves everyday..

..that she's got this whole CHD thing under control.

Every day that you wake up to start your day is another day filled with reasons why I am mesmerized by you, Natalie. Boy do I love you.

***Natalie is now 4 (going on 15) and was born seemingly perfectly healthy and pink on April 21st, 2007. After worries of what her heart murmur, constant napping, purple-tinged extremities meant, we found out 17 days later, on May 8th, 2007, that Natalie was born with half of a heart: her heart's right ventricle was completely malformed and this is called "Tricuspid Atresia". After several months of super close monitoring, Johns Hopkins Hospital completed her first heart cath at 5 months old, where we were told that the beginning stages of heart failure were happening. Thankfully, 6 days later, the surgeons at Hopkins completed her Glenn Shunt on October 1, 2007 and Natalie handled it all beautifully. We relocated from Baltimore to Denver in April of 2009 and it was that summer of '09 Natalie started to turn purple more often that any parent of a CHD kiddo would like to see. She coped with this until October 8th, 2009 when she had several collateral veins closed and the change in her activity level went from slow speed to warp speed. Natalie's completed Fontan (external conduit with fenestration) was on January 12th, 2010 at The Children's Hospital of Denver and beat the hospital record by 1 day leaving within 6 days.

She has always been feisty and that has always seemed to keep her strength and tolerance levels way up high. She is a true girly-girl by every definition: all things pink and purple and sparkly, but will happily play with cars and army men with her big brother who's 6. She is tough as nails and is a free spirit. This changes daily, but she hopes to one day own a pony and become a veterinarian.***

Recently, I came across a really cool blog entry by another "heart mommy" named Stefenie. I read her post and immediately became amazed by this new Pinterest board and the mission to spread the heck out of CHD awareness all over this site. I keep reading and reading the stories under the photos of these beautiful faces. It's hard not to.

Below is the post that I copied and pasted so in case you come across our family blog, you'll be able to join in too! What a cool way to get ready for CHD Awareness Week! And in case you didn't know, it's February 7th through the 14th. : )

As many of you know, I am the mother of two little girls born with congenital heart defects, known here as Superkid and Lily. I'm also an avid Pinterest pinner--I love collecting ideas and inspiration via Pinterest.

Those two elements of my life had absolutely nothing in common...until today! With your help, I'd like to help promote awareness of and advocacy for children (and adults) with congenital heart defects by founding a Pinterest board devoted to sharing the stories of families affect by the #1 Birth Defect. The board is titled, "The Faces of CHD - Congenital Heart Awareness Week Feb 7-12, 2012."

Pinterest is a virtual bulletin board, where people can "pin" pictures with captions to be viewed and shared by others. Because pinned items can be viewed by thousands of people, pinning pictures and brief stories about your experiences with CHD will bring awareness to many people who might not otherwise have an opportunity to personally meet anyone with a congenital heart defect.

If we start pinning now, we'll have a thriving board by CHD Awareness Week, Feb. 7-12, 2012.

If you already have a Pinterest account, you can find The Faces of CHD board here. If you would like an invitation to join Pinterest (it's free!), please email me: triptoholland {at} gmail {dot} com.

For those of you who have been affected by congenital heart defects, here is how you can participate, with or without a Pinterest account.

Create a blog post that tells about your experiences with CHD. (Or you are free to use one that you already published.) Please make sure there is a picture of the heart child/adult in the post. Please link to the CHD Pinterest board in your post. (http://pinterest.com/ruth_h/the-faces-of-chd-congenital-heart-awareness-week-f/)
Send me a link to that post, either in the comments below or in an email (triptoholland {at} gmail {dot} com) or (jacks_rswl {at} mepotelco {dot} net).Please include a brief (10 sentences or less) description of your experiences with CHD when you do. Make sure that description includes the heart warrior's name, age, and heart diagnosis. You could also include number of surgeries, favorite hospital, etc. As the founder of this board, I reserve the right to edit your description if necessary.
I will add one of the pictures from your post and your description to The Faces of CHD board. Pinterest members will be able to click on the picture and be directly linked to your blog post to learn more about living with CHD.
If you do not have a blog, but would like to be included on The Faces of CHD board, please email me and I'll provide an alternate means for you to participate. (triptoholland {at} gmail {dot} com.
If you do not have an experience of your own to share, please show your support for those of us who do by pinning this post, viewing the Faces of CHD board, and repinning the stories you find there that touch your heart.

top 10 lies I've told my children.

2012-01-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

There will be a day that the kids will read this blog and be even more embarrassed of me. James is already reading chapter books in kindergarten, so I'm sure the day will come very soon. So I say to you James and Natalie, here are 10 things that I've told you over the course of 6 years (of my awesome parenting) that are lies.. big lies:

10.) Your pillow is a magic pillow and if you tell it that you want to sleep, it'll make you sleep.

9.) Whenever I answer "I don't know" to one of your many questions, there's a 99% chance that I know the answer. I just don't want to tell you.

8.) Doing your chores can be fun! FUN!

7.) Your going to make a ton of friends at school, I just know it. (Then you found out that at least half of the kids in your class kind of act like assholes.)

6.) That picture is GREAT! I love it! (a picture drawn in .03 seconds that you proudly hand to me that's just like a line..just a line or a small scribble of nothing.. c'mon you're 6! I've seen you draw intense diagrams!)

5.) My show is only 20 minutes you guys. Can I please watch People's Court for 20 minutes? (yup, it's an hour).

4.) The pool is closing!! We have to go!! (nope, not closing.. I just attempt to diffuse your screaming from knowing you have to leave.)

3.) You need a time out! (If you're 4 or 6 and you're sitting in a corner, it's because I really wanted to punt you like a big football, but instead I put you in the corner to save you.)

2.) Vegetables are so tasty and crunchy mm mm mmmm. (some of the vegetables I've served you are ones I hate, too. I'm sorry.)

1.) Santa Claus is WATCHING YOU!! (that would be the creepiest lie ever, again I'm so very sorry.)

the post where I pretend to be a real reviewer of stuff (again) PART 2.

2012-01-25T16:09:00.001-07:00

Eggs.

We love the eggs.

We can easily go through a whole carton of eggs in 2 days. But then there are weeks where we eat none. Usually those are the weeks that I get too lazy to hard-boil them. I still can NOT boil eggs properly. I've even gotten some excellent Facebook advice about this and I still can't boil an egg without the shell taking over the egg inside and I'm left with an egg that's peeled that also looks like it was tortured.

When I was pregnant with Natalie I cooked excellent hard boiled eggs. Hmm, now that I think of it, now living in higher elevation could be problem. Whoa. I think I just figured it out! Well anyway, I was addicted to eating eggs and usually about 3 hard-boiled eggs a day took care of my craving. I ate them like they were chocolate cake. And I still LOVE eggs but now, because I'm 33 (I guess) I just get the farts really bad after I eat one.

But I have definitely passed a huge craving over to Natalie. So, you pregnant ladies!! Just eat fruits and veggies most of the day (even beans) because I think that's the only way we'll get little kids to eat them!! See, I figured it out. You are so very welcome.

Natalie loves LOVES hard-boiled eggs, but that's the only way she'll eat them unless they're hidden in a recipe. But she hates HATES the yolk. She still thinks it's cheese balls and thinks they're gross. What's sort of neat about this is that the yolk is what has all of that cholesterol so I'll take it. When I do boil the eggs and they're all ready to look tortured, I have to cut the yolk out.

But with this product....

I don't have to! I actually don't even need to have any yolk involved.

So for the creator of Eggies, can I have a coupon? I'll take one for free eggs.

The best advice I can give is if you buy this box of plastic, be sure to read every direction. In my case, I read each step 9 times. I'm a little slow. But if you follow the directions, the eggs do cook perfectly. I was actually very surprised. I've only used it twice so I don't have fancy recipes hanging around in my head yet, but so far, it has cooked perfect egg-white-only eggs and the kid enjoyed it.

Awwww little egg pods!

The only weird comment I can make about this product is that their millions of little pieces together resemble baby bottle parts. Which can induce a slight panic if you glance over to your bowl while sleepily walking into your kitchen at 10 o'clock at night. You will convince yourself, even for just a split second, that you forgot to feed the baby.

Other than that, I give this product a solid B+

the post where I pretend to be a real reviewer of stuff (again).

2012-01-24T18:55:00.001-07:00

Wow it's been so long since I've posted about products! Yes, it has been a long time. And I know exactly where to start because I have 2 products that we've purchased- one yesterday and one several months ago that I have to blab about.

I hate that commercial for car insurance where the guy is like "I research everything from my breakfast cereal to ..." Yeah ok. If you have time to do that then you have no life. Wow, and I thought I was kind of pathetic. In my case, my research ends up being AFTER I buy something. Not always, sometimes I pine over google, amazon, and whatever other websites I find before I buy certain things. If I'm spending a pretty penny I'd prefer to take my time. Not on a $3 box of breakfast cereal. I barely even look at the box sometimes and the next morning it's like "HEY when did I buy that?" and it's all new to me. Keeps the excitement flowing I suppose.
So usually I pay close attention to see how something works out. I believed the hype of the product (feeling like a true sucker because HEY I watch "Mad Men") but it's totally okay. We all have to buy stuff. Even Don Draper. And moms.

The first product that gave me the warm and tinglies inside was a product that I actually laughed at myself for buying. In the inside, I think my husband was too. I read the ingredients and thought "what... .uhm.... what is this?" But because I'm such a dork when it comes to buying medicines over the counter for a 4 and 6 year old (geez..especially one with a heart condition) I had to try this out:

Please know, that no one ever pays me to review anything. I mean, Hyland's can pay me if they would like too. I'll take anything. Even a coupon...?

The other day James came down with cold # 47480 of his existence and it was a nasty sounding one. Sidetracking here- but WHY do my kids always catch a cold and it goes right to their lungs so they can sound like a coughing 75 year old smoker?

Well anyway, I was too scared to buy Children's Nyquil because they omit the "good stuff" in it that us adults enjoy so I thought, "well if I'm going to spend $6 on medicine, it has to work".

Can anyone tell me what any of this is? Okay.. I think I see a latin form of chamomile and coffee? did I just make a horrible parental mistake? Well, I handed over my $6+ and hoped for the best. At least I knew that this concoction would be safe (I hoped) for both of kids because hey let's face, it's only a matter of time until Natalie gets the cold, too.

I gave James the dose of 2 tsp and he said that it tasted sort of like grapes. He really liked it! I messed with him and told him it would taste like butt and he was scared, but then pleasantly surprised!

And the verdict is in......

It ACTUALLY worked! He slept for 10 1/2 hours straight and he barely coughed at all. With a humidifier in his room, the 2 together helped his nose not drip all night like the previous night. And as a matter of fact, when I went in to wake him up for school this morning he was just about in the same exact position he was in when he fell asleep. So, I think it truly knocked him O-U-T.

He was a little groggy. I tried to give him a cup of coffee and he wasn't having it. But he told me he slept great. To me, he looked like he slept so solid that he was literally like a log.

He's feeling better today and that's all that matters.

So if you haven't tried this weird concoction of coffee? sulphur? (wow, really?), and chamomile (sorta?) then seriously try it out. If you don't, then it's probably safer just to use a small shot of whiskey. Mmmm just like our parents used to....

Next up..

This piece of crap:

Yeah I'm just going to cut to the chase here, because this product makes me angry. Over the late part of the summer Rick needed a new wallet. We walked by this thing in Target on our way over to the checkout. I can just hear the makers of this plastic thing now.. "GOTCHA! HAHA" as they laugh all the way to the bank.

If you bought one of these and it never broke then I just don't believe you. Or maybe it really just never broke because you wrapped this wallet up in bubble wrap before you put in your purse or pocket.

First of all, it was plastic. Maaaaybe a thin slice of aluminum on the outside, which is supposed to help with identity theft and protect your library cards and diners club cards or something. Because I don't know anyone who carries a real Visa credit card anymore. Oh crap..that's right.. debit cards. Oopsie.

Okay, so I sort of see the point now. I'll shut up.

But here's where they get ya... when we would open the wallet everything would just spill out of it. And Rick doesn't carry much stuff but this wallet barely could carry 5 $1 bills. The slots seem to be laced with cooking spray because everything would slide out of this thing. But we let it go. It was a new wallet and we would just have to get used to picking up everything off of the floor (or ground) for the next few years.

But then one day he dropped it. On our carpet! And the hinge *cough* (made of plastic) snapped and it split in 2. The wallet died.

R.I.P aluma wallet August 2011-September 2011.

We asked for a refund from Target and they totally laughed in our faces. I hate hearing "well you could call the manufacturer" which is the equivalent to no help. So, we threw the thing away and let it go. Well, until now. Man... I really want that 11 bucks back.

a hangover without the fun night out.

2012-01-23T17:03:00.000-07:00

I feel kind of cheated. I feel totally hungover today and I don't have any good street credit. I can't say "oh you guys I had the BEST night out!" I got nothing.

Except instead of getting drunk off of wine coolers and rum (not mixed together..or wait.. can you? I just don't know) I woke up at about 3am this morning with the room completely spinning at warp speed.
So, I don't know if that's what woke me up or the screaming and crying of the kid upstairs. James has a cold and was up all night coughing so I'm sure that didn't help. So, even though I was super dizzy, not being able to fix my eyes on one object, with the feeling of my eyeballs bugging out of my skull, I got up to check on James and use the bathroom.
I was walking sideways.
I thought, "uhm..this isn't good. not good at all." I went a woke up Rick (which I felt horrible about even though he's off on Mondays, but still, I don't mind dealing with the sick kids). He took care of James while I laid back down. And that's what actually made it worse- the laying down! I felt like I was going to barf..feeling like I was on the Gravitron again.

This went on for 3 hours.

As soon as I would sit up for a bit (which helped) I'd get so sleepy that I gave going back to bed another shot. And as soon as I would do that I'd feel really ill again. It was now this Gravitron/rollercoaster nightmare. I wanted off of this ride.

To be honest, I kind of let my anxiety take over after a half an hour of this. But I couldn't think of a reason for this feeling.. "Am I getting sick? did I catch something? Do I have food poisoning? Am I having a stroke?" I know. I really do worry too much.
I felt my whole body get really cold all of the sudden, which I'm guessing was (maybe?) a drop in blood pressure. The nausea came and went. It was honestly, the weirdest thing I have ever experienced.

I ended up falling back to sleep for a little bit and woke up with a dull headache in the front of my head. I was weak, tired, and sore. And of course, I had to google this crap. I actually had a word pop into my head and couldn't remember what it was and it ended up being what I'm pretty sure I experienced:

vertigo.

I saw that gif file at the right hand side and was like "OH MY GOD YES! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!"

So I figure it could be a combination of issues that caused this.. obviously if it happens again I'm immediately going to the doctors. I don't play around. I could have been dehydrated, really tired, had some built up anxiety (last week was SO busy), and I do watch the worst shows right before bedtime (can't watch American Horror Story with the kids, unfortunately). It could have also been my very first migraine. I read more than once online that migraines come in all shapes and forms and vertigo is sometimes what a migraine experience is for some. I guess I'll find out.

I just am so scared it's going to happen again. I'm so thankful that it happened while I was in the comfort of my own home. I'd hate to be driving or in the middle of doing something really important with the kids with me. I guess now I (sort of) know how people who get migraines feel. Right now I don't know what my trigger was. But I'm sure I'll get to the bottom of it. I really want to know why that happened so I can avoid it. 'Til then, I guess I should just go and have a few drinks? At least I can earn some sort of street cred.

10 things that white people like but I really don't like even though I'm pretty white.

2012-01-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

This list is definitely not meant to offend anyone. I was just thinking the other day.. I'm a white person. I like white people stuff. Sometimes. No harm in that I guess. But there are some things that I don't like but I feel like I'm supposed to like because I am white. So, I have a small list that I made up pretty quickly while I was half asleep. So... uhmm.. enjoy?

10.) Window shopping. I can only shop if I'm shopping with a purpose. Call it lack of energy, motivation, whatever, but I can't just browse around a mall for fun. I just... can't.
9.) Low calorie/ light beer. Seriously, what's the point? It's just as bad as drinking O'Douls.
8.) Country music and that includes the Country Music Awards. My mom is totally going to be mad at me for this one.
7.) Golf. I don't know anyone other than my dad who could watch this on television. The announcers always sound so soothing to me, so for the most part, I don't like playing golf. Ok, I've never played golf. I wouldn't want to try playing golf. My husband is totally going to be mad at me for this one.
6.) Tail gating. The food kind. I just...... don't understand it.... I couldn't enjoy a porkchop sandwich if it were 30 degrees outside.
5.) Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, Whole Foods, and Nordstrom's. I have forced myself to partake in these establishments but I always feel out of place. Maybe I'm just too poor... I don't know. Am I just not white enough? I just really couldn't tell you. I do know that paying for your gluten-free bread at Whole Foods with your food stamp card will guarantee some strange glares from your checkout person there, though.
4.) Wine. blech. (sorry white people)
3.) Jimmy Buffet. Maybe white people love to see other people drinking margaritas all night long, while always looking like their on a tropical vacation, but for me, I just get jealous and a little angry. I don't enjoy seeing this guy enjoying himself.
2.) Scrapbooking. Maybe this is a housefrau's true definition of heaven, but not me. I get a bit anxious with it and I really just want to stuff those photos and memorabilia in there. There's no time for perfection here!
1.) Teeth whiteners. I could be totally wrong here. Lord knows I'm wrong a whole lot. But what is it with white people wanting to appear even whiter? I wear my coffee-stained teefs as a badge of honor. Or I could just be jealous of you.

looking back..

2012-01-21T19:28:00.003-07:00

It's really hard to believe that I've kept up with this blog for almost 6 1/2 years now. I won't go into a deep reflection or anything..I'd be here all day. Seriously, 6 years. Whoa.

The blog title has changed quite a few times. Here's a quick list.. (I love lists!):

"Baby Bent"

"..and then there were three! (plus a fat cat)"

"..and then there were four!"

"The Bent Bunch"

"Bent, Not Broken"

(somewhere in there is probably another name change that I can't remember)

This blog has seen the birth of 2 beautiful kids and I've written about both birth experiences. We've gone through having 2 cats (although our 2nd was so short-lived), stories about Natalie's heart condition including the day when she was diagnosed. I've written about family struggles, potty training, and baby food. I've written way too much about poop and vomit. I've written so much about too many baby teeth, snotty noses, and boogers. There are probably too many posts to count where I have mentioned money.
We've lived in 5 different apartments in 2 different states during this whole time.

I noticed that my early entries were usually just photos. I didn't have too much to say. Once, I would say 2007 popped up, I started to have a whole lot to say. That was the time that I realized that I could use this blog for whatever I wanted. It was a place where I could unload and unwind. Almost about anything.
I still hold back a bit, because I sort of have to. But I've learned to hold back a lot less each year, because frankly, I'm getting too old to be holding back so much. I've aged with this blog and it's aged with me. The children are growing, our family is evolving, and we are growing and evolving with it.

Sometimes I wonder if I should branch off into something new- something that defines me as anything other than "just another mommy blogger". But I love being just another mommy blogger. I'm okay with that. Because being a mom has been my favorite occupation in life so far. And you can't beat the daily free material to write about.

Here's a post I wrote 4 years ago today:

"Mashed Potato Baby"

Public Service Announcement for your Friday Night.

2012-01-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

"This will make your breath smell good... and get diabetes."

Yes, Natalie. Yes.

What are you doing Friday night?

the great Medicaid mess of 2011 (now pouring into 2012)

2012-01-19T11:45:00.003-07:00

Right now, Natalie has no medical coverage.
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

If she were, god forbid, to get sick and I'd have to take her to the doctors we have to pay for it all- 100%.
Boo hoo. I know. Because here's the thing, there are TOO many parents out there who have to deal with this everyday. And you're not waiting for a call back from your case worker to help handle your problem. You're not expecting it to be taken care of, because you are stuck with these mounting medical bills. Too many parents either have no medical coverage for their kids, or they have a "discount program" (which is still a bad joke to me), or coverage through a parent's medical insurance through employment. Which sometimes (well okay, most of the time) is a bad joke, too.
For example, for our family of 4 to have non-Medicaid health insurance, we have to pay $40 co-pays, most of the cost of dental work, and the deductible is in the thousands. That's not even scratching the surface when it comes to medications. Thankfully, Natalie isn't on any except for her daily baby aspirin, which is super affordable. I thank god for that just about everyday. Rick was on a few daily medications for his IBS, but even those aren't necessary anymore. Again, very thankful.

I also thank the big man upstairs for letting us have Family Medicaid.
We are one of the lucky families and I know this. Know that I know this. Because we could lose this coverage at any time. Well, the 3 of us could, not Natalie.
I know that out of all of Natalie's doctors appointments, heart catheterizations, heart surgeries, medications that she's had to take in the past, and checkups all easily exceed the American value of over 1 million dollars to date. I'm well aware that her state-funded insurance is actually a luxury. Her recent heart checkup was $3,000.

But here's the irony, right now Natalie is a new SSI recipient. We found out right before the Wish Trip so that was another reason to celebrate a great year's end. But right now, her medicaid, which was part of our Family Medicaid pre-SSI days, is canceled.
Makes no sense.
When you are an SSI recipient you are guaranteed Medicare or Medicaid, based on your age. It's in our handbook and it's been given the "thumbs up" anytime I bring this up with our case worker. Although, I don't need anyone's thumb up to tell me this (I apologize for my arrogance).
I also don't feel like the rest of Bents are entitled to keep receiving our state insurance. I never have. When I rarely use mine, I always find myself saying out loud how grateful I am to have it.
Although, and excuse my arrogance again, I'm not proud to have to receive it. I know that many people need it more than me and they don't receive this kind of help. I feel guilty. Very guilty, despite being considered financially at the "poverty level".
There is, as we all know, some sort of stigma to whipping out that medicaid card. It's the same kind of stigma as whipping out your EBT card. You don't feel proud. You feel grateful, but you don't feel proud. You feel like an ass sometimes. At least I can speak for myself.

So, when I found out at Natalie's December 16th heart checkup appt. that her Medicaid was cancelled my jaw dropped. But the ladies there was so sweet that they even blamed the rejection on a possible "computer glitch".
This was the day before our morning flight going out for Natalie's Wish Trip. But I still called the case worker.
Today is January 19th, now 2012 and to date, Natalie still has no coverage. Nothing has been done despite my begging numerous times. I've contacted someone about it countless times now.
The last I heard on Thursday the 12th, was that Natalie's coverage would be put into her own account (her own case) and will be in effect by this past Saturday.
So, thinking that maybe.....just...maybe, I needed to only confirm this this morning, I was told by a customer rep. that nothing was actually done and Natalie is not covered.
I am fuming. Even the customer rep. was pretty upset to have to tell me this. And in reality, there's not much she can even do. As I left in my millionth message to our case worker, we are at her mercy and I'm not liking this one bit. I also hate begging for something that I shouldn't have to beg for. Make me beg for my insurance coverage, fine. Even James'. But don't make me beg for my daughter. Out of all 4 of us, she is the only one who is as closest to the word "entitled" as possible, and I use that term very strictly. I don't think any of us are really entitled to anything. But Natalie would be as close as it would get to any sort of entitlement. If there were even such a thing. I'm really not sure what else I can do about this problem. I'm at a brick wall, and the people who are supposed to fixing this mess, know it.

UPDATE: I can't believe it. I actually kept the director's number from almost 2 years ago, and I just found it! I spoke to her a few minutes ago and she's handling it personally. She states that this mess should be fixed by the end of the work day. Let's cross our fingers. xxxx

UPDATE UPDATE OMG UPDATE: Well well... guess who has medical insurance again?? That just goes to show you.. don't give up ya'll. Do what I did- no, don't do what I did. I was TOO patient. Give people hell when they don't give you what you want. But like, as long as it's within reason. I was way too nice. Although, even when I got very rude nothing got done so really.... maybe there's another lesson here. Something I have yet to figure out. But I do know that within 3 hours of speaking to the director, Natalie's case was taken care of. Not too shabby.

10 things we live without.

2012-01-18T14:00:00.001-07:00

10.) Cable. But we do have Hulu and Netflix on our PS3. That's probably the best way we survive. Well..and waiting a day for a new episode and finding it on a website that's.. well.. sometimes "questionable".

9.) Home phone. We don't need a landline but we use a dry loop DSL connection. And our DSL speed is just as fast as the cable speed we used to have. Actually it's even faster AND cheaper!

8.) Eating out. We very seldom go out to eat. We order the occasional pizza online but that's usually coming from our food budget. It's also nice to eat pizza on a Tuesday night as a treat rather than waiting for Friday or Saturday. It's a small boost.

7.) Air Conditioning. Our apartment is basement level and we actually don't need one. It stays nice and cool here in the summer (remember, we don't get direct sunlight onto our side of the building, which I hate in the winter but LOVE in the summertime). We also rarely run our heat because we soak up the other tenant's heat. We use it if it gets into the 20s or 30s. Maaaaybe in the 40s. But if it's sunny that day, the building heats up nicely.

6.) A flatscreen, HD tv like you folks. Ours was a $25 Goodwill find. I mean..it has a flat screen but it's definitely not a FLATSCREEN. The only time it gets kind of annoying is when we watch PBS and you can't see the full screen.

5.) A second car. But we really really really really need one. So, I may have to scratch this one off the list by the end of the year. Taking the bus is totally fine, but not fine when it's 25 degrees or 95 degrees outside and you have a really important appointment to get to. Cause chances are that's the day the bus will be very late. And sometimes not show at all.

4.) Going out. The hubby and I very rarely go out. Before we had the 2 kiddies, we went to a lot of shows. We just can't afford it now. We don't do the whole bar, club thing either (never did). To be pretty honest, even if I could afford an $80 bar tab, we still wouldn't go. We do long to go to certain shows once in a while: comedy club or concert. Maybe one day. One day for sure. And yes, we're kind of boring. But boring saves you money.

3.) A newfangled car with lots of buttons, gadgets, stow away seating, gold plated steering wheel, and satellite radio with a computer that drives the car for us. We have a very simple (because my brain is slightly simple) 2006 Caravan.

2.) A 3rd bedroom. But then again, we really do need one so this is kind of a "can't afford it but we really could live with that" situation. But we manage and the kids love sharing their room. They argue once in a while about space, but we do have 3 other rooms you can hide in- and who cares if it ends up being the bathroom.

1.) Any cosmetic or health and beauty item that costs more than $5. Except the Eucerin. We kind of need the Eucerin. In Colorado, you have to have really good lotion and chapstick. You wear it year-round. But as far as expensive face creams, body washes, perfumes, colognes, makeup, etc etc we never spend much on it at all. I do stare at the Clinique counter when I visit Macy's, but I get my fix that way. And my wallet stays the same- just as empty HA! ; )

simple math.

2012-01-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

The math is pretty simple. : )

January is officially 1/2 OUTTA HERE.

2012-01-16T16:06:00.001-07:00

There's something about the early part of a new year that has me in kind of a slump. A post-post-holiday, freezing, snowy, bare-tree, icy, everything's always looking dirty and wet outside, SLUMP.

I was born in December so why do I get annoyed by winter so much? I never understand that.And let's be real here, it's not in the 20s and 30s every day here in Denver. We do get generous amounts of sun and the occasional 50 or 60 degree day.

But I am just so old now that I find a reason to hate every season..

Spring.. oy look at that mud and it's supposed to rain AGAIN? Ok, wait..we're talking about Colorado here, it never rains. GAH more flowers??

Summer... someone turn on more fans I'M SO HOT. That dry air is getting on my nerves so bad. I'm so sick of the smell of fresh cut grass!

Fall... LEAVES EVERYWHERE leave me alone! Also, I hate you wind.

Yeah... that sounds about right. But one thing I try to do when I feel so glum, is look for things to do that keep me occupied and completely distracted. So far, there has been zero shortage of this so I'm kind of grateful.
I'm occupied with the following things right now..and you can laugh at #2. You're allowed.

#1- Finding a way to keep James' eczema from flaring up so much. James and eczema..those 2 words don't even make sense. I mean, no offense Natalie, but you're the one with the super sensitive, milky white skin. But hey I'm totally happy for you! I wish I could snap a picture (or remember to snap one) because it really did freak me out at first. I was all like "RICK THIS IS RINGWORM OH MY GOD OHMYGOD!" And then I kept googling "ringworm" and "bacterial infections" and "6 year old rash circles".

Come to find out... it's definitely eczema. I haven't gotten the official word from his doctor yet, but then again, out of the 9 doctors at the kids' office of miscellaneous pediatric nurses, no one ever remembers James. Heck, they don't even remember Natalie most of the time. But that's another post for another day, because come June when we move, we won't have to worry about that anymore.

But yeah, so I'm pretty sure it's eczema. That caused a stir of excitement 'round here.

#2-

When it comes to scrapbooking I truly so very honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I visited the craft isle at Wally World, and I was so lost. "Do I need a regular hole puncher and a heart-shaped puncher? Do I need textured cardstock and regular? What is cardstock anyway? Why does it look like it will never fit in this book? I'm so dizzy."
I have no clue what I'm doing. I'll figure it out, but rest assured, I'm only doing this for Natalie. She would love a book to flip through with her Wish Trip stuff all in there and organized. I'm only doing this for her. Definitely not for myself because if it were just my stuff I'd put it all in a box and just throw a label on it. Just like how all of the kids' baby stuff is. Just thrown in there.. but at least the boxes I put that stuff in is nice. That's as fancy as I get.

#3- The 2nd half of January means that it will February soon. And February as all of us know = another excuse to pig out on candy. Candy, is the ultimate mood lifter. Next to bacon. And the Ravens winning the Super Bowl.

weekend mash-up

2012-01-15T19:38:00.002-07:00

I realized today that the pillows we've all been using for our sleepy heads are older than Natalie. So off to Target we went to get new pillows.. NEW PILLOWS.. take that! dust mites that are breeding underneath our heads. Now you're living in the dumpster!!
Our kids are 4 and 6 but still get into things that result in trouble just as bad as when they were 14 months old: we walk into the living room (YES both mom and dad) and James is suffocating Natalie with my throw pillow on the couch.. and Natalie's laughing hysterically. Then James walks into our bedroom, while I'm putting our clean bedding on the mattress, with a bag over his head saying "HEY MOM LOOK I'M AN ASTRONAUT!" Then while I'm cooking dinner and Rick is on the phone with his mom, Natalie is playing with the spokes of the bike (that James will never ever ride for some reason) and cuts her pointer finger..blood....everywhere. (She's totally fine.. but MAAAAYUUNN does that aspirin thin her blood).
After having about 6 hours of anxiety-ridden OCD attacks, I kind of gave up. Because for some strange reason, when the light comes into our apartment is seems to highlight every.single.bit.of.dust.and.dirt.and.smudge with extra gleam. Once the sun went down, I let it go and now I don't care..at least until tomorrow morning.
James spent all weekend desperately asking me to videotape him doing something awesome for uploading a video onto the "America's Funniest Videos" site. Right now he's right by me asking me to videotape his awesome cool jumps into my new pillows.... oh wait, yup..now he's shirtless and jumping into my new pillows.
I realized that I'm a size smaller in the pants that I thought I was. I'm also right at the weight I was before the holiday. HUZZZAH! I, in every ounce of honesty, have no clue how this is happening. I have eaten some late (Nutella-ish) snacks at night for many nights in a row. I've also reconnected with 2 old loved ones.. butter lots of bread..but not together...and this is kind of funny.
This past Monday, we found our kitty a new home. After day after day .....after more days..of the landlord pretty much changing her mind about letting us keep him, we found him a more appropriate owner who will love him just as much. The kids are upset about it but they definitely understand why. I mean.. how DO you keep a cat out of 4 windows with a ledge perfect for sitting on? At least now he can be seen and heard.
I figured since being at home every weekend long and with the hubby having off every Monday, I may as well try and work some hours again. I'll work some hours next weekend at the nursing home. I'm at least a tiny bit excited about this! HUMAN INTER-ACTION. Well, human interaction with people that are not wiping their boogers on me and coughing in my mouth.

Dear Mama-to-be,

2012-01-14T13:41:00.003-07:00

Dear Mama-to-be:
We know that pregnancy can be a scary time. We know that sometimes it’s just too much to read about sick babies, much less babies that pass away, but we’ve asked our friends, family and even strangers to share this letter on forums, emails and anywhere else.
We don’t want you to spend your pregnancy in fear, but we want to tell you about something that we all wish someone had told us.
Sometimes, your baby’s heart doesn’t form right, and your baby is born with a congenital heart defect—often this happens in families with no history of CHDs, like ours. Many of these babies are diagnosed in utero. Most of these babies live and even thrive.
It’s more common than we thought, affecting about 1 in 100 babies. Our babies weren’t detected until after birth, and we want to give your babies a better chance.
Recently, the federal government recommended that every baby be screened for heart defects with something that’s not painful, simple, non-invasive and inexpensive, pulse oximetry. And, it won’t interrupt important mother-baby bonding time—mom can hold baby during the screen done sometime after 24 hours of life. The American Academy of Pediatrics and others endorsed that recommendation, but every baby isn’t screened yet.
We want you to talk to your doctor about it. We’d also like to make you aware of the signs of CHD in an infant: excess sweating, beaded sweating on the child’s forehead, trouble feeding, turning blue and tiring during feeding.
Chances are really, really good your baby isn’t 1 in 100, but if s/he is, we want you to know.
Love,
Kristine (http://www.corasstory.org/)
Ruth (http://thecorbinstory.blogspot.com/)
Natasha (Mom to Max)

Please, if you can, share this letter in a way that you feel comfortable- tell someone, post it to your Facebook page, email it, whatever way you would like. Chances are, someone knows of an expectant mom who may have never heard of congenital heart defects. I am a second-time mom to a CHD survivor and still had never heard of it until a late diagnosis. I've always wanted to tap every shoulder of a every expectant mom that I've come across but always feel awkward. But if we don't say anything..even through the written word..then awareness won't spread and we're at a standstill..right where we started before.

Natalie is 4 years old, 2 years post-Fontan, and is 1 in 100.

I can't think of a good title so I'll just title this "UGH".

2012-01-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, while getting the kids up for school, I was in and out of the living room that had the tv on with our local news.
All of the sudden at about 7am I hear words like "layoffs".. "huge" and "extension" but all the while I'm only hearing broken sentences without standing in front of the tv to know what they're really saying. Then at the end of it, I hear the name of the hubby's company.
Outloud I say "nuh uhh..no..no way..I had to have heard that wrong".
I immediately check online to see if it's true.

Now I know celebrities feel when they hear something bad about themselves, but through the media first. Well, I sort of know how they feel. You wonder..how the hell can I find out THIS way? Couldn't have there have been a more humane way to find out such major shit?

I also know for sure what sheer panic feels like once again. Oh panic, how I wondered where you were.
It's pretty bad when there's no major anxiety or panic going through our minds and bodies but then you notice how weird it feels to be more at peace. It's a great weird and it was just right when I got used to these new good feelings.

But then I put the panic aside.

Because then I realized that even though shit is hitting the fan and yes, this will be what only feels like the millionth time..nothing has been finalized. Nothing has been set in stone. And this isn't just about a company laying an incredible amount of people off, but this is the near end of a wonderful company. I have to emphasize how wonderful of a company they are. They are, literally, the best company that he has ever worked for.

I know that this sounds really weird (and probably stupid) but for some reason the blow feels lessened when so many others are put into the mix. This isn't just about our family- it's about thousands of others.

There's a chance that the company gets the help they need to keep it going. Besides, the position the hubby has is long-term temporary (at least a year with the "or more" emphasized). We were shocked to learn that the chance of sticking around permanent in the future was taken away. That's aside from the fact that even our temporary present has a big chance of being taken away.

But again, nothing has been set in stone. Plus, he is one of the employees they are thrilled with. They will also need to keep producing so the business doesn't just shut down. Downsize next to nothing- yes, that's a huge possibility.
But I pray for our family to spared. At least for now. For now. For once.
That we will have a more time on our side to figure out what to do. It would give us at least a winter and spring (and maybe summer) to apply to those government positions that require thick packets of information to be completed. It would give us time. We need every month we can get right now.
It would allow Rick to acquire more experience, which is priceless. And would allow him to keep perfecting what he's been learning for the past almost-2 months.

God... it hasn't even been 2 months.

I wasn't going to post this entry. I almost deleted this and started over with something less....heavy.
It was bad enough I knew about it while I posted yesterday's blog post- a post I planned on for days before we heard the unsettling news. I almost deleted this. So if you're family and a close friend of ours reading this, please just pray for us. Pray that the tax credits that the company needs is extended like originally planned, and that we have TIME. I don't think our family deserves this.. we just need this. If a layoff happens next month I can't even begin to explain how bad that is for us.... I actually can't even think about it. But I do know that we've been through this before and that we're still standing. We're still holding strong. We just need our family and friends to be strong with us. Let us to do the panicking. We're used to it.

I really do believe that everything will work out.

the only gift that keeps on giving..

2012-01-12T10:40:00.002-07:00

It's been a really long time since I've mentioned the Bent Family Messy Financial Disaster. That's probably a really bad way to put it, but we've been dealing with this situation for over 4 years now. After a while, you kind of just get past that, make light of it, shed some more tears, but then even find a way to sort of laugh at it and nod. After a few years you realize that there is some sort of light at the end of that dark tunnel. You learn to even laugh at it more, mostly out of nervous and anxious feelings, but also because....

..you really kind of have to.

I'll bring this blog up to speed. Ya see, remember our condo? And our layoffs over the past several years? The two go hand in hand so it's really hard to separate them. Without one we wouldn't have the other.
Here's a really quick timeline to get the situation laid out:

We purchased a condo in our old state of Maryland back in the summer of 2007 (a condo we were excited to keep in the family).
In late August of '07, Rick is laid off for the first time. The major shit storm of our economy happens and we realize construction was the very first field to get hit.
After that we manage to make some money here and there, enough to sustain life, even making mortgage payments even though they were late.
From the rest of 2007 until about February 2009, we continue to struggle. Some months are way worse than others. Companies that Rick gets hired into go belly up left and right, but thankfully we fall back on unemployment.
We realize in January of '09 that we can't afford the condo and sustaining our way of life. We lived like middle class people but we fell to the poverty income line. Something had to go.
We list our condo onto the market, after throwing every penny (and more) into fixing and upgrading the condo, to make it more appealing and sellable. The condo looks amazing.
It's listed March of 2009, we move to Colorado late-April 2009.
While living in Colorado, we end up having 2 different real state agents that proved themselves less useful than a broken toilet (neither one of them ever did an open house or showed their own clients our condo).
Payments stop on the condo in either late 2009 or early 2010 and bank agrees to have us list the condo as a "short sale".
We get 4 (yes...4) offers on the condo and our bank denies every offer- one offer being only about a thousand below the short sale price and one offer being a few hundred under the asking price.
The value of the condo is at $169,000 when we leave in April 2009 to now plummeting to $89,000 today.
In May of 2011 our condo officially forecloses and to this day, it's still listed on the market as "bank owned".

So this is where we are! We have thousands upon thousands of credit card debt (we used credit cards to pay all of our utilities and food at one point when there was a layoff) and we have a foreclosure hanging by the back of our necks.
It's officially a good time to get the bankruptcy ball rolling. Especially now that the debts are finalized and there are no new debts. As a matter of fact, we've accumulated no new debts since the foreclosure. All of our debt is just sitting there.
It's not fun (or nice) to say "oh we'll just WIPE that slate clean" because you really don't feel that way. Especially since a good, thorough attorney is at least $2,000. But do we feel that we can finally move on from this mess? Well, we feel like we can finally end the disaster of the past 4 years. It's an end to it, not really a clean slate... yes... because the damage is still there. We still miss our condo. Yes, we moved to Colorado.. but we HATE the fact that it's still sitting there..unused..totally abandoned... not being enjoyed and used by someone who could surely appreciate it.

But this will be the year to get the ball rolling.

I just realized yesterday that despite my desperate need of a 2nd used car for appointments, school, etc, I can't actually buy one even if I have the money. The process of bankruptcy takes away your right to own more than one vehicle.
So there's that.
But at least.... someday... we'll be able to completely move on from this mess and know that it's officially over. The feeling of still being in limbo after all of these years is enough to drive anyone crazy.
But I do know that things never stay the same. Things always evolve and change and that is one of those things. We just have to keep focused.
There will actually be a day where I can have my own beat up used vehicle. When that day comes I will scream.

Question: which one of these 2 children look like they're enjoying their dinner?

2012-01-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

Got an answer? Okay what is it??

Child #1 or child #2?

Yeah..... I think you understand.

The dinnertime drama continues..going strong since 2007.

pumped!

2012-01-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

Now that our Make a Wish trip is over, the holidays are over, birthdays are over, and we're back in our groove over here in the Bent household, I have more time to dedicate again to spreading CHD awareness. Ever since Natalie was diagnosed almost 5 years ago, the passion to spread awareness of heart condition flourished. Little did I know that there was a big army of survivors and loved ones of survivors (and even health care officials and organizations) behind me.
But still, there hasn't been enough.
There's never enough awareness of the #1 birth defect. Still to this day, I have people asking what a CHD is. I love when people ask why Natalie has a chest scar, for example. I encourage the questions and c'mon we all love talking about our own kids. Right?
I also know that Natalie's heart defect has a great chance of being detected before ever coming home from the hospital after being born. With every heart checkup and pediatrician visit she has, Natalie's "pulse ox" is taken: it's the use of a pulse oximeter to measure how much saturation of oxygen she has in her blood:

Many nowadays are digital and some look like cloth band aids that wrap around the finger. If you've had a child born in a hospital, chances are, you the mom, had one wrapped around YOUR finger while in labor. ; )

In addition to spreading more awareness about heart defects, I am passionate about spreading awareness about the pulse ox test in my state of Colorado. This simple test, if used on a baby before they leave the hospital to go home, could help save lives. If a is born and the next day they are tested and have an oxygen saturation of say 92%, that's a red flag to see if the heart is healthy. There are painless tests called EKGs to help measure the electrical activity of the heart and also Echocardiograms- an ultrasound of the heart which can help detect if there is a malformation. It gets the ball rolling in the right direction.

In Natalie's case, her oxygen was in the low 90s after birth which very well could have had her detected sooner than at almost 3 weeks old.

Sadly, too many little babies pass away once they go home from the hospital due to an undetected heart condition. If you have never read Cora's story..you just have to:

Cora has inspired so many people. Her mom has done a beautiful job as an advocate for CHD awareness and is who has made me feel so passionate about babies being tested with a pulse oximeter after birth. With Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week coming up less than a month, I'll post more information on this blog about how you can help! I'll also let you know when I update the tabs right below the blog header. I want to include more information so everyone can help out and seriously, helping out is EASY. Sometimes, all it takes is an extra email, letter, quick phone call, or even just telling one person about how you heard about CHDs.
Much more to come so stay tuned!I have a wiggly, giggly, 4 year old teenager to go run after..

Make a Wish trip: Friday, Day 7! Our last day.. sniff.

2012-01-09T15:56:00.000-07:00

Our last day at Give Kids The World.

We really could have just moved in. It was the best experience staying there for a whole week. I never knew what it would feel like to be on a real vacation until our first day there. To actually relax and be so well taken care of. It was so easy to relax and feel comfortable there. Next to the experience at Disney, this place is at the top of our list of places we'll miss greatly.

We decompressed, regrouped, and felt at ease for the first time in YEARS.

Now we know why Make a Wish was excited that we were granted something for Natalie to share with us. It was amazing!!

We didn't have to drive to the airport until a little after 3pm. Our flight was a direct flight to DIA and that was delayed until 5:45-5:55pm from the original 4:45pm. Due to the snow, which really I thought the delay would be way worse than that. We kept joking how we hoped (okay, not really a joke) to be stuck in Orlando for one more day. But the runways were pretty clear in Denver, which is pretty good for getting 13 inches of snow the day before. They were on it, I have to hand it to them.

I almost didn't even check the status of our flight. Good thing I did!

We had a solid 4 hours to spend at the resort after checkout. Everyone must have been at the parks because there weren't really any people around.

We revisited a few more of our favorite places...

Natalie's favorite part ..the carousel.

We went to go and play more putt-putt.

I'm very happy to report, there were zero meltdowns during this game.

The kids chose their ships in the water below and raced them!

We went for 2 more train rides at the Amberville Train Station.

Our last elephant and carousel ride..

And as you can see from very depressed faces... it was time to go.

While we were packing up our things in the morning, Ricky and I kept wondering what we were going to do with Natalie's Magic Kingdom balloon. The balloon was HUGE.. here's her with it in this photo:

It's really a cool balloon but it kept hitting us in our faces the ENTIRE time during our MK visit. lol And it hit a few other people too (oops!) We wanted Natalie to at least have the pink part of the balloon for her scrapbook (I have all of the supplies by the way..it's actually doing the scrapbooking that I haven't done..yet). While deflating it we took this video:

Natalie talks about GKTW everyday. Every.single.day. She keeps asking when we can go back. We've explained how one day we'll go there to volunteer and take care of the visitors just like they took care of us. She's really excited to do that. James is too (as are we!!).

Speaking of James..here is his favorite clip of the whole trip:

(you can probably skip the 1st 20 seconds of it)

I hope I haven't overloaded anyone with photos. I'm sure I have, but I really wanted to get this all documented. Because I'm so lazy with scrapbooking, I know that by posting our adventures here, the kids will get to see it all over and over again..and hopefully forever. : )

We love you Give Kids The World and Make a Wish!!!!

Make a Wish trip: Thursday, Day 6! Disney's Hollywood Studios!

2012-01-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

Thursday turned out to be a gorgeous day! It was really sunny again and the temperature was in the low 80s. I think I would give my left arm right now for that temperature. As I type this, it's in the 20s here in Denver. ugh. Oh Florida.. how we miss you. ; )

We went to go and get breakfast and a volunteer stopped us to tell us some special characters were on the way to GKTW any minute! Mickey and Minnie took time out of their busy schedules to come see us! James only had eyes for ice-cream and said he was scared, so I took him for his "breakfast" while Natalie and daddy got to meet 2 special mice.

While waiting in line, Natalie told daddy that she was going to someday marry Mickey.

As they walked out of the theater seeing Mickey and Minnie, Belle and Goofy came up for a visit!

I LOVED Goofy's big shoes. Naturally, I had to tell him. Natalie pointed at his feet and giggled. It was so cute. James sat and ate his ice-cream.

When it was time to get a photo with Belle, James was ALL about it. Like he said earlier in the trip, "I'm Belle's boyfriend!" Lord have mercy... ; )

After getting some yummy breakfast at the Gingerbread House, we headed over to Disney's Hollywood Studios. If I haven't said this yet, well then I have to remember to say this now, Hollywood Studios was AWESOME. It was really a great place to end our trip. It was super crowded once again, but for some reason, it seemed easier to maneuver this time. Maybe it was all of the practice walking and pushing that double stroller for all those hours the other day! It was jam-packed but there were SO many characters to see and they were really easy to find.

Hollywood Studios has a 40s themed concept. At every angle and turn there's something neat to look at.

Mickey's famous wizard hat from "Fantasia"!

James was feeling grumpy this day. Maybe he missed Belle. Still not sure.

We walked around, heading to the back of the park, and came across an area with some more characters inside!! Winnie the Pooh. Oh this was so cute. They let Natalie spend an extra few minutes with Pooh. They saw her "Make a Wish" shirt and told her to take her time. Even typing that makes me misty-eyed.

So she took her time and Pooh, at one point, tried to take her with him to inside his treehouse. She kept giggling. James kept saying how soft and cuddly Pooh was.

a kiss for Pooh..

..and saying goodbye.. ; )

We walked..maybe 10 feet away and saw someone really familiar! Natalie's eyes LIT up and she raced over to Mickey! They let Natalie skip to the front of the line and once again, everyone was so generous and sweet..they told us to take a little extra time. Natalie just kept hugging and hugging and hugging..

I wonder how the people are that play these characters, because they do a FANTASTIC job moving and acting like them. You really do get lost into the magic of it all. It's so hard not to.

We walked around a little more and came across my favorite scene in "Fantasia". I love those little brooms!

After our visits with Pooh and Mickey, we headed over to the Pixar part of the park!

We rode the "Toy Story Mania!" ride. It's a 3D game where you collect your own points from shooting targets left and right- plates, balloons, there was so much! I did..okay.. I didn't realize to really get more points was to just keep hold of the trigger. I kept letting go and pushing in. ha.

James liked it..he said he didn't like how it jerked him around. I can totally understand that... Natalie LOVED it. She rode it again later on..

We found McQueen and Mater!!! James was feeling confused. He ran over to tell me that their mouths didn't move. You can't fool him...he's a wise old man that one.

Phineas and Ferb were close by. Both kids screamed..I felt so bad. But both characters blew kisses at Natalie. She kind of really liked that.

If you look all around you..you'll see sets everywhere! Well it's either a set or a real street in San Francisco.

We then headed over to the Lights! Camera! Action! Stunt Show! We got there just in time. It was so funny.. we had just bought ice-cream. Natalie's was dripping everywhere while we walked to our seats but everyone kept saying how yummy it looked. She was covered in chocolate and vanilla. No photo to prove, but it happened.

James was in heaven.. and HEY WHO'S THAT?!

James shouts "that's the REAL McQueen see mommy!!"

The show was fantastic. I got a really great video clip of the last part of the show. I'll post that tomorrow along with a few more misc. clips. : )

Natalie waiting in the short Toy Story Mania! line with daddy..

On the ceiling was Chutes and Ladders! ha!

After all of that, we walked around the big huge wizard hat for a bit and sat around. The kids were begging for bubble guns so we bought them each one. They entertained the passer-bys with those.

We waited a little too long to grab a spot for the Pixar parade but when you have an over 6 foot guy to hold you up, it all works out. James relaxed in the stroller. He was exhausted.

After having some dinner at the resort, we walked around the resort for quite a while. It was nice warm evening. We hadn't visited the Wish Fairy yet, who hides inside The Castle of Miracles. The wish fairy takes your star and puts it on the ceiling where it stay forever! A volunteer got us all set up and off her star went!

we planted Natalie's star in the special magical box...

The below photo is supplied from our awesome picture disc from GKTW, the above we took the following day. He star was already there! It's in the JOY section of the tower inside the castle. The tower is only about a year old. They built it to fit more stars because they ran out of space.

It is so amazing that her star will be there forever. :*)

Here's the tower where Natalie's star is!

Check out all of these other visitors that have had their star put on the ceiling. Each star is a very special visitor at Give Kids The World. We were invited to come back anytime to see it.

The volunteer there that night was so funny..he said "one day they asked us all to bring in buttons from home. None of us had a clue as to why. Then soon after, they had us all come over to see THIS!"

The buttons are planted right at the pillow tree..

Natalie and James were able to get a special wish pillow- a pillow that gives you only good dreams. (how stinkin' cute is that??)

We walked around a little more.. below is the photo supplied by GKTW and we went INSIDE.

hahaha that painting.. oh goodness.... that's so funny.

a tiny little work desk!

After visiting Mayor Clayton's tiny home, we went to visit Santa. We waiting in line for quite a while..he was the popular guy that evening! It was so worth it.

After our visit they had the kids pick out a present in an area right outside the theater where Santa was. Natalie chose a doll and James chose a Transformer figurine. That was so sweet!!

Day 6 was so awesome. We knew that day 7 meant packing and getting ready to leave. We stayed up late to really soak it all in. The kids were exhausted but kept saying how much fun they had. James talked about the stunt show for that whole evening..

Next up! Day 7..our last day.. packing up and getting creative with our left over balloons!

Also, a flight delay.. but not a really bad flight delay. ; )

Make a Wish trip: Wednesday, Day 5! at the beach!

2012-01-07T20:52:00.001-07:00

Day 5 of Natalie's Make a Wish trip was once again, full of sunshine and warm temperatures. It was gorgeous again. And we actually skipped the ice-cream for breakfast this morning and headed over to The Gingerbread House. The food there is so yummy. Natalie ordered yogurt with Cheerios and James got a chocolate donut.. see exhibits A and B...

and B.. (nommy nom)

I took a few moments to soak in the restaurant. Everything is always so bright and cheerful in there! Even the tables you eat on look yummy and bright!

see!!

They have stuffed animals and toys lining the ceilings. It's totally impossible to enter this place and feel sad. It really is wonderful. I also joked to the hubby about who would have to dust all of this? because they do a fantastic job!

After our yummy breakfast we headed over to.......

for some horseback riding! They only do horseback riding on Saturdays and Wednesdays and knew we had to try it out. Natalie was super stoked to ride a horse.. ahem.. sorry.. PONY (she kept correcting me), and James just wanted to pet the horse.

They took her around 2 laps!

YEEHAW!

..and then I glance over and see James riding! He was so scared but then changed him mind when seeing Natalie having so much fun. We were so happy to see him give it a try.

After a great morning at Give Kids The World, we headed out to Tampa to see Grandpa (Rick's dad), Regina (mama in law), and then Mom-Mom, the kids great-grandma!

The drive there was really nice. There was a moment when James felt really carsick but thankfully, we got through it without a hitch. We stopped to see Grandpa and Grandma for a bit and had a yummy lunch at the beach. : )

"we only thought that beaches were real in books!"

Grandpa noted something oh so true.. it's a Wednesday afternoon and look how many beach-goers were there! ha!

The weather was nice and hot and even the Gulf wasn't too cold.

After a little while, Rick decided to go allll the wwwaaaay out there...

..then he came back to take James alllll the wwaaaaay out there.

The 3 generations of the Bent men. : )

Natalie kept screaming and giggling at the cold water.

Sorry James. I kind of just had to.

Clearwater at sunset.

couldn't you just move there?? like AT the beach.

Here's Natalie with Mom-Mom's cat "Prissy". Meow.

We got to Mom-Mom's around 6ish. We totally lost track of time at the beach. We were so happy to finally get to see her. James was laying in the chair behind us, really sleepy, but Natalie wanted to pose. It was so wonderful seeing her. This is the first time she's ever met James and Natalie.

She said "don't wait another 7 years to see me okay??"

We really love that lady.

Right before we left the kids gave her a nice hug.

It was so sweet.

Later while driving home, I got the weather report from my mom in Colorado and come to find out- snow was headed their way! over a foot of snow. We knew from that point on that we would have some white stuff waiting for us when we got back home. Sand to snow. Too funny.

Next up! Day 6 and a day at Disney's Hollywood Studios! It was another really warm and gorgeous day in Florida. : )

Make a Wish trip: Tuesday, Day 4! SeaWorld and a pool party!

2012-01-06T13:58:00.003-07:00

We were up and at 'em at a good time on this fine (and very warm!) Tuesday morning. We knew we had the rest of our trip mapped out and it was a toss up between using our SeaWorld passes or the Universal passes. Can you believe it either? that they gave us passes for both of those parks?

We would have tried both parks but we knew there was no way. They were so exhausted from yesterday's outing. I'm still a little sad we never got to visit Universal Studios but I know that one day we will. I think Natalie made a great choice picking SeaWorld for this day. The kids (especially James!!) were really excited about seeing some sea life!

So, as usual we started our day with breakfast-- the breakfast of champions.

Then we were off to SeaWorld! It wasn't too far from our resort so that's a huge plus.

This dude was just sitting there... taking in the view I suppose.

Well if the bird's going to so will we...

(I still think it's so funny to see fake Christmas trees in a tropical area)

We prepared the kids ahead of time, letting them know that Florida is filled with lizards. Did you know that if a predator tries to snatch them they make their tail fall off and then they regrow one? Nope, I didn't know either!

First animal stop.. PENGUINS! and a whole bunch of them!

This dude was my favorite. He just stood there the whole time, not moving.

Lots more penguins!

Natalie wanted to watch them for a while. : )

We managed to get into the amphitheater right on time for the next Shamu Show!

We sat down in the front of the "splash zone" but it was like the "you're REALLY going to get soaked" zone. We saw a guy selling towels and loved the idea of sort of protecting ourselves but we also needed beach towels for tomorrow's trip (more to come).

We bought 4 towels and then a greeter came over to us to tell us that we could sit in the special "Make a Wish area". We didn't even know they had one.. I couldn't believe it! That was so sweet.

We ended up right smack dab in the middle front row of all the seats!

This awesome guy below was posing while we moved over there...

whale bath! seriously, we were THAT close! No zooming in required!

I wonder if our bird friend followed us here onto the stage.. it's like he.. knew.

WHALE TONGUE HA! blaaaahhhh

Rick silently caught this shot. She stood RIGHT in front of us for the show. It was kind of funny.

The sides of the stage (where we would have sat) got SOAKED. They really did soak those poor people. Here's a whale headed our way to soak us.

belly flop!!

..and that was our awesome time at SeaWorld. awwwwwwww

After walking around a bit, attempting to get James to ride a boat ride with daddy (fail), seeing some dolphins, and a few other animals, our camera died. We headed back to our villa but stopped for lunch. We still pondered Universal (Ricky and I really wanted to go) but the kids were pretty adamant about going swimming that evening. Who can blame them? It was hot and a perfect evening to go swim!

And that's what we all did!

Ricky and I were sitting there chatting away on the side of the pool, drying off while the kids played, and I look over to see the streams of water gushing out.. I swear it looked like water shooting out of his nostrils. I tell him this and then he pretends to sneeze. ; )

Every evening at Give Kids The World, they have a themed party. We picked THE best time to go to the pool because we ended having a barbecue and pool party that evening! It was so so good. They even brought the Dippin Dots, ice-cream, and cotton candy machines over!

We stayed at the pool from 4 to 8:30pm. We had such a fun time. They even had a dance contest and the kids participated.

So that was our Tuesday. It was really a great day. It was also the first night of Hanukkah and they offered us some pickled herring. It was the first time we learned that James loves pickled herring. ; )

Next up! Wednesday in Tampa/ Clearwater beach and seeing some very special people!

Make a Wish trip: Monday, Day 3! The Magic Kingdom and Epcot

2012-01-05T11:40:00.002-07:00

Here's the really funny thing about us Bents being on our first vacation EVER-- we slept a lot. And the kids even slept in every day! Some days we didn't even crawl out of bed until 9:30am. My original plan was to get out of bed everyday by 7am, have breakfast and get to those parks EARLY EARLY.

Didn't happen.

We soaked in the relaxation. And what was really funny was that once we got our lazy butts out of the door, we would get distracted by something really cool going on at Give Kids The World. Honestly, the resort itself was an AWESOME vacation.

So on this day, Natalie was so ready to meet her favorite princesses and get her wish on. We tried to get to The Magic Kingdom the evening before but I followed her lead- she didn't want to go yet. I think she had some extra primping and preparing to do, maybe?

Well, enjoy these photos! They go in order of our day at both parks!

James waiting patiently on our porch. I forgot to mention before, our villa was in the new section of the resort, so the villa was quite new- less than a year old!

"Come ooon I'm ready mom!"

I asked her to pose for me and this is what I got. God help me now.

This cute lake was also across from our villa. It was a BEAUTIFUL day.. it actually got pretty hot this day.

..and of course we drove over to the ice cream shop to get "breakfast".

A little drive, a tram, and a monorail trip later we finally get there!

It was so crowded! Everyone had the same idea we did.

We walked around a bit, heard some music right by Cinderella's Castle and wouldn't you know! a parade was happening and we had a chance to get a preview of some very special characters. We had a spot right up front of the parade!

Cinderella's Fountain.

We made our way to the castle and found out that some princesses were all the way back at the front of the park. *face palm* Normally, we would have gotten a tiny bit frustrated but this was a mission and we didn't care. We just wanted to get there.

Once we got to the building where they were, we showed the greeter at the entrance our "VIP pass" (Fastpass) . They gave Natalie very special treatment at the parks. The pass allows you to skip past the longer line and not have to wait nearly as long. This was the first time we used it and we kept gushing with gratefulness. We kept saying "seriously? just right on through?" You can tell we aren't use to that kind of treatment. At the regular line, there was an hour wait to even get near the door. We waited only...

10 minutes!

We slowly walked in and we saw her favorite 3 princesses ready for visits, all lined in a pretty row. I wish I had caught Natalie's face when that door opened. Her face... it LIT up bigger than the biggest Christmas tree.

And here they are.... this is also where I still get misty-eyed. Seriously, misty-eyed right now...

Natalie still won't tell me the secret. Gosh I love this!!

I thought that it was so wonderful how each princess spent a good amount of time with Natalie. I noticed they spent a little time with James and his face turned red. ; )

(later on into the trip it was discovered that James loves Belle and he is her boyfriend)

James was in heaven, too.

And now.... she gets to meet her extra special favorite princess... Sleeping Beauty!

Here she is walking over to her..

Natalie didn't want to leave.

This is something she's never, ever going to forget. (Neither will we)

Once we were done having a wonderful visit with the princesses, Natalie wanted a "princess hat" and Sleeping Beauty wand. And that's what the princess got.

After some shopping we made a trip to ride the Aladdin carpet ride. Well daddy and Natalie did. James sort of freaked out. We looked for Tinkerbell and we couldn't find her. I had heard of a few people walking by saying that she wasn't around so that was a bummer but that would at least explain why she wasn't there. James and daddy visited the Swiss Family Robinson tree house, while Natalie and I sat down to have a snack, which later they both told me was boring. That was only because they thought it was a ride. Ha. The views at the top are pretty cool though!

Next, we visited the Wish Lounge (which was made especially for Make a Wish families. It is pretty new to the park. It was getting kind of hot and we needed a break from the crowds.

We spent about 20 minutes there. During that time, James played his first ever game of checkers with daddy, Natalie relaxed, and I tried desperately to get a spot at Cinderella's castle for dinner with the princesses. It was old out. :( But at least we tried. It was really expensive, so we saved our money for more goodies.

After lounging around the kids were hungry to we got some lunch and saw this ride down below. We had no idea what it was but the first thing you notice is the 2 hour long line.

We headed down there and once again, got VIP treatment and the greeter took us to the front of the line and they gave the front seats of this boat ride!

"It's a Small World"

the kids LOVED this ride so much that we rode it twice.

if you're scared of dolls don't ride this ride.

The ride has several themed areas that brought a whole lot of culture together: Mexico, the UK, India, the rainforest, etc and once you enter each section they each play "It's a Small World" in sync.

It was actually kind of awesome.

After that ride, the kids were geared up for the Dumbo ride! I am still so happy that James agreed to try it out.

Natalie LOVED it. She loves rides! I'm sensing roller coasters in the future.

After soaking in the beauty of the castle again, we visited TomorrowLand. There they had the Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor attraction. Not really knowing what it was we checked it out! It was really really funny. We all got quite a few good belly laughs out. It was a half an hour interactive digital comedy show. We got seats right up front!

After we left the show, we caught the tail-end of a Christmas show. I whipped out the camera just in time to catch the fireworks shooting out of the stage! Talk about perfect timing. : )

At this point, the kids were getting really tired. It was at about 7pm. This was also the time I realized the castle changed colors.

The kids rested in the double stroller and said that they were okay with going to Epcot. So off we went! On our way out of Magic Kingdom it was "snowing". It was actually foam snow but who cares it was snowing.

A short monorail trip later:

For me personally, Epcot has always been one of the only things I have remembered from my Disney trip at age 8. I went with other students in the Baltimore City area who had the top grades in the whole area. It was for a few days right before Thanksgiving. The trip to Epcot Center always stands out.
It was kind of surreal to be back.. at the age of 32, with a husband, and 2 kids.

Many of the front entrance attractions had closed but honestly, the kids just wanted to see the "big ball".

After seeing the big ball, we walked around and soaked in the mild evening. Below are misc. photos of the themed areas of the park.. I believe we started with Mexico.

This was the ceiling of The House of the Whispering Willows. It was a gallery that showed the famous "Tomb Warriors Guardian Spirits of Ancient China". It was SO beautiful inside. The kids really loved it. At one point, Natalie got a hold of my camera and wanted to take photos.

Natalie's photos above and below. : )

We did buy 2 lightsabers and these were accidentally left on the airplane ride home. The kids have yet to ask for them. Thank god.

By this point, the kids were EXHAUSTED as were we. As the light show began, Natalie started screaming and James ran 30 feet away from us and then fell and skinned his knees. This all happening while I'm ordering us some coffee and hot chocolate. It was pretty chaotic.

Somehow we still caught photos of the amazing show. I still don't know how, I just don't remember.

Then we made our way out of the park but it was a nice walk through Japan, the UK, and a few other areas.

...and Goodnight (as shown on the "big ball")

We didn't get to bed until midnight but the kids were up and at 'em by 8am the next morning. I think daddy and mommy could have used another 8 hours of sleep. ; )

Next up! Tuesday's adventure at Sea World..and also, a swim party!

Make a Wish trip: Sunday, Day 2!

2012-01-04T15:31:00.002-07:00

The "requirement" for staying at Give Kids The World Village" is that you have to have ice-cream for breakfast at least once while there. We started our morning off just right by doing that. It didn't take any convincing to the kids (or husband). This morning, we woke up rested and we felt great. Everyone got sugared up!

Yes, honey! SCREAM! it's encouraged.

It was time to head out of the resort and go meet a fellow "heart family" in the Orlando area. I was pretty excited and Natalie was too. She was marveling in the idea that there was another kid out there who had the same kind of heart as hers. Kylie just turned 3 and has the same exact heart condition! This is a family that knows exactly what it's all about. Her brother, Mason, is 5 and just like we figured, he and James got along beautifully.

Yes, I know, typical Natalie.

Tiffany and I! I really can't wait to see them again!!

After meeting the family we headed back to our villa and decided to take the opportunity to really snoop around. Our villa, literally! was right across the street from this awesome place: Matthew's Boundless Playground.

See that red car on the far right? that's our rental car and villa!

The entire playground is centered towards being the most awesome Candyland game ever.

I told Natalie to pretend to lick the chocolate ice-cream. She ended up really licking it.

We heart Gloppy.

Rick, just carrying away his prize.

This is "Ol Elmer" the sleeping tree. He is planted right behind (and actually connected to) the Castle of Miracles. Much more to come about that magical place.

The Castle of Miracles.

Natalie was so excited to ride her first ride. ; )

This cool contraption was a helicopter that, once inside, your rock it side to side.

We decided to go play putt-putt at Dinoputt and Natalie had a meltdown because she couldn't hold the club right. Poor kid. She jumped back into it after being shown a few more times.

Inside the cave at hole 4. Glowy cave drawings!

The kids were scared of the cave because if you moved inside it just right it would sound like something was erupting. To me and Rick, it sounded like a big fart. The photo above was taken by a Give Kids The World employee and where the alleged farting took place. ; )

The following are more photos taken by Give Kids The World. With each family that visits, they supply you with a CD full of photos of the village and of you having fun while at their resort. They would just ask what you villa number was, name, and so many cool photos were on it. These are some photos of the village to give you an idea of how awesome this place is:

at the front entrance.

this is the Ice Cream Palace where we had breakfast almost everyday, and sometimes a late evening treat.

The Gingerbread House where we had dinner on the first evening at the village and had a few breakfast meals there too. The volunteers at both places were AMAZING. They would bring you your tray of food, clear your table, they did everything with a warm smile. Gosh I love them.

This cool setup was the Amberville Train Station. Much of it had a button to operate the carousel, the trains, etc. It would change from day to night then to morning, sound effects included a rooster crowing, even a late day thunderstorm! We visited this a few times!

inside The Ice Cream Palace.

We knew they had a carousel there and I distinctly remember Natalie's face lighting up even while we were still here in Colorado. She rode it at least twice a day. Even James did and he hates rides! My personal favorite- the roosters and the pig. haha

Inside The Gingerbread House, which was actually a Perkins Restaurant in disguise. I didn't know this until our last day there! They also had a place called "Katie's Kitchen" that was a Boston Market in disguise. They actually delivered a few of our lunches and late dinners to use at our villa several times while we stayed there! What a cool thing!

Inside The Castle of Miracles: the Star Fairy area. Again, much more to come!!

Amberville Train Station.

A tiny little house nestled in the park where Mayor Clayton and his wife live. It really was TINY!

The entrance to their large pool!

Next up: Monday, Day 3 at The Magic Kingdom! Yes I know, you thought we had forgotten! ; )

Make a Wish trip: Saturday, Day 1!

2012-01-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

Our limo arrived at 5 minutes to 7am and as you can see, we were really excited. Also, check out that ice coating our parking lot! Goodbye ice coating our parking lot!

We started to load up! Our flight was a little after 9am and we had the perfect amount of time to get our things together.

Sorry for the shaky photo. We used our cell phones in the limo and well, movement has a way with things. Natalie was in heaven. The kids thought it was really funny that there were 2 areas in the limo with cold drinks and ALL for them!

Watching our plane getting ready for passengers..

They knew that this meant there was no turning back! Off to Orlando we go!!

In the air! (we love watching the mechanisms on the wings move in and out.. planes are pretty neat)

We had about a 40 minute layover in Nashville and we were able to stretch our legs. The cockpit door was open and we were headed to the restroom. The kids let out lots of "oohhh"s and "aahhhh"s and the captain invited us in! How awesome is that?! He spent at least 5 minutes or so talking to us about our trip and about Make a Wish and let James and Natalie each take a turn "flying" the plane! I still can't get over all of those buttons and controls!

We made it! We landed in Orlando a little before 5pm and our Give Kids The World volunteer greeter met us at our gate. He was so sweet and SO funny. He was an older man who was also waiting for 2 more families. One other Make a Wish family arrived right after us, but one didn't (which is kind of weird). He helped us get our luggage and find our rental car. The other family there was much larger and we would see them around GKTW often!

We got to mee the famous Mayor Clayton! He was very happy to meet Natalie as was she. : )

They even did a little dancing.

At 7:45pm I had my orientation and this evening happened to be Mayor Clayton's birthday party and the kids, no matter how exhausted they were, really GOT DOWN. I distinctly remember the "Ice Cream and Cake" song like it was yesterday. I caught this as soon as I left our orientation to get educated about how our park passes worked and with everything else we needed to know to navigate Disney World, Universal Studios, and Sea World.

At 9pm, after just getting back from walking around the resort and from the birthday party, Mayor Clayton knocked on our door to tuck the kids in! We weren't ready yet and the kids were so excited they hightailed their bodies into the bathtub, got washed up, and Mayor Clayton returned. It was so adorable. As creepy as it may seem (to you adults) for a big bunny to tuck you in, it was the cutest thing I have ever witnessed. Even James the leery one of dressed up characters, LOVED it.

SUCCESS!

And that was our first day in Orlando, at Give Kids the World.

Sunday Day 2: we meet a fellow "heart buddy"!

Year recap part Deux.

2012-01-02T21:28:00.002-07:00

JULY

In July, Rick and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and spent the day at Estes Park and more awesomely, at THE Stanley Hotel. Afterwards, we had an awesome firework show down the street.

I was having weird blood pressure issues. Then realizing that my lower numbers are my new normal. All because I lost a buncha fat.

James played on his T-ball team and Natalie ended her dance class.

The kids figured out "fan voice".

The monsoons showed their rage in our state.

If it wasn't raining, we spent most of our time in the pool behind our building becoming pruny fish.

I became a licensed driver for the first time at the young age of 32.

Ricky started college courses towards his Massage Therapy degree full time!

AUGUST

I almost gave our van away for free because of the high cost of fixing all of the crap that went wrong with it. In fairness to the van, oil in your breakpads and line really sucks especially when the entire break system had to be completely gutted and fixed.

Natalie perfected the art of climbing and James perfected the art of teasing his sister.

A week into the month I made the realization that James would have to attend the "not that great" school down the street. Also, that because of common sense and logistics, I also realized there was no way for Natalie to attend her 2nd year of preschool. I cried and got over it.

James started his first day of kindergarten! I cried and got over it.

I also started the SSI process for Natalie.

SEPTEMBER

James found a new way to make me gush with love.

Natalie's serious obsession with Sleeping Beauty began.

The month was pretty calm.

We were still waiting to hear about the position Rick applied for a year ago. At this point, he had had a few interviews.

I was still working part time at the nursing home while Rick was working full time and going to school full time. That whole month is a blur.

OCTOBER

Natalie came down with a really strange illness: pink eye, slightly sandpapery rash all over, fever, nausea, it was so weird. Come to find out it was Fifth's Disease. Within a few weeks she was totally fine. I came down with a super high fever, too and then all of my joints swelled up. Come to find out, I had it too. James and the hubby were left unscathed.

We had our first snow storm!

Halloween was awesome. Natalie was invited to James' class party and the kids went trick or treating in the neighborhood and made out like bandits. They also went to a really great Halloween party at their old preschool buddy's place.

Natalie was in awe (and me too!) when we visited our landlord upstairs for candy and she handed her witch costume to Natalie for her to keep. How awesome is that?!!

Natalie received some FANTASTIC Make a Wish news: she was approved to have a wish granted!

NOVEMBER

We found a cat. Or should I say, the cat found us. His name is Tiki: a name pre-chosen by the old owner.

I then realized how allergic to cats I still am.

James came down with the croup. Again. Bent, not broken: germs take over monthly.

I had reluctantly got my flu shot again this year and learned that getting your flu shot while having a cold is actually the way to go.

Thanksgiving was delicious.

Natalie's SSI claim was approved!!

Natalie's wish to meet Sleeping Beauty in her castle was granted! We were to leave in a few weeks to Disney World!!

I became a stay at home mom full time again.

And then as if things couldn't get better....... (well, to be honest.. there was tons of drama involved but it all worked out) RICK STARTED A NEW FULL TIME JOB that wasn't in construction but rather, in green technology!!

DECEMBER

December kicked the rest of year's ass.

Natalie and I were invited to our first Make a Wish holiday event and she was able to shop for her list of friends and family members for the holidays. That was also the day she discovered how awesome face painting is. She would have covered her whole body if I had let her.

James turned 6 and we visited the Butterfly Pavilion for the first day. He LOVED it.

Natalie has her 6 month heart checkup and everything looked great. They found a little bit of leaking in one of her valves but nothing that was constant or serious. Just something to keep checking every 6 months.
James had his 6 year checkup at the pediatrician and he is so healthy. Also happy to report he is 4 feet tall and did NOT need any shots. : )
James is also growing his 2 bottom 6 year molars!
We went to Orlando for a full week and that even kicked more ass. (a bunch of blog posts after this will show you)

Natalie got to finally meet Princess Aurora and her friends. I can't think of anything more magical than that.

I turned 33.

Hankumas was really awesome. Natalie was sick on Christmas Day with a fever. She felt better the next day and finally played with her presents. A day later, I got a sinus infection. I'm telling ya, you can't just make this stuff up! On a very non-germy note, it was also the first month of full time work for Rick and we were able to spoil the kids (not too much though, Disney trip did that).

Well that, was 2011! After today, I'm going to post each day of our Orlando trip! I know that if you're a Facebook buddy of mine, it'll seem a bit redundant, but maybe I'll manage to post photos you haven't seen. ; ) Happy New Year everyone!

Year recap part 1.

2012-01-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

2012!

January is kind of like my "Groundhog Day" month. It always feels like it never wants to end. But thankfully, I have myself to keep entertained during the entire month by posting about a bunch of things I have been wanting to post. I'm not sure how many readers are left out there. If you are there, well HEY YOU! Aren't you sweet. With patience of steel.

So it's January 2012 and I can actually say that I'm really okay with 2011 being over. It wasn't our worst year because I think 2007 through 2010 kind of topped it, but it was really stressful and there were moments I thought we'd be hopelessly living out of a cardboard box by this time.
And I call myself the eternal optimist.
Seriously, 2011 was the year that kicked us in our crotches (again) but at least 2007-2010 had us prepared to fight back this time. We became wounded and felt defeated much of the time, and yeah there are some scars but we WON! The year ended better than any of our prayers (and bribes with God) could have ever ever asked for. It ended with us back on track as a family unit and financially and it will only keep getting better.
Someone did a fantastic blog post that I read yesterday and they did a month by month quick recap of the year. Isn't that the greatest idea? So, I think I'll follow that idea and present to you (or myself?) a recap of

The Bent's Voyage from January 2011 into June 2011!

JANUARY

We were blanketed by a thick coating of snow and ice so we spent most of our time indoors.

Natalie celebrated her first Fontanniversary on the 12th.

I was lovingly embracing my role as full time working mommy while Rick became a full time stay at home dad.

Both kids were going to preschool and were in the same class.

We were still waiting for our Maryland condo to foreclose.

FEBRUARY

February now always signifies Congenital Heart Defect Awareness month. Always. Well, now anyway.
This was a very uneventful month. Although I did order my very first iPhone which was (and still is) the highlight of my year, electronically speaking.
Everyone pretty much stayed healthy.
The weather out there was cold COLD. Like, right through your coat COLD.

MARCH

Was full of germs in the household. Both kids came down with RSV. James was totally fine but it's never great for kids with half of a heart. Natalie was miserable.

Exhibit A of complete and utter miserableness.

She also wouldn't let me get too close to snag a photo. She hated the O2.

Natalie was on continuous O2 for about a week or so but everything cleared up perfectly. Zero complications. And then a week later she got ill again with a bad cold. Screw you germs!

My weight dropped to under 200 lbs which is the first time I was ever 200 lbs since my early 20s.

I also made a confession in this post. Which was a huge turning point to feeling better.

APRIL

Natalie's love of the word "fancy" started. Everything had to be "fancy".

She also turned a fancy 4 years of age. Rick turned 30, which is almost just as fancy. Almost.

The 3 of our Bent clan visited Maryland and it was really awesome. I stayed behind to work. It was also the moment I realized at the last minute that Natalie needed an O2 condenser unit which wasn't covered under our insurance. Fun! But after going through all of that Natalie never had to use it. Which was actually pretty kick ass. She was officially able to fly without a condenser anymore.

MAY

(the kids with their preschool teachers)

The hubby find a new full time job that kicked my hourly pay's ass. So, I gave up my reigns as the bread winner and stayed onboard at work part time.

Sent in all financial paperwork so Rick can get financial assistance for college.

I got an awesome sinus infection and man, I was so sick. James also got pink eye and both of them had croup. OY! This blog should be renamed "Germs: and our love of them".

Natalie was 100% potty trained.

James' speech therapy began.

We laughed at "the rapture" event.

The kids graduated preschool! James completed both years and Natalie one.

JUNE

Natalie, officially, no longer needed physical therapy. We signed her up for her first dance class.

We signed James up for his first T-Ball team.

It was the start of a pretty decent summer. By day 2, the kids were already bored at home.

Natalie had her 6 month heart checkup and everything looked beautiful.

This was also the month we realized our car was dying. Later to find out it was the fuel pump.

We visited Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs for the first time. That was so much fun.

So tomorrow's post! July through December because there is just SO much for those months!!

I kind of suck at this.

2011-12-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry I haven't updated. In reality, I use my blog to get to reading my favorite blogs and websites. So I see the tumbleweed blowing through here everyday. There are so many wonderfully awesome things to post about which is why starting January 1st, 2012 I will update for the entire month, everyday. It gives me a few more days to get my crap together, kick this 2nd cold in a month/ sinus infection (the plague?), and get back to bloggin'. I really miss blogging very much. Check back in 3 days! : )

Dear James,

2011-12-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

My buddy. My big man. My sweet boy. I've realized that it's been a really long time since I've written you a letter here. The last time I wrote you a cutesy note in your lunchbox you told me it made you cry. Well guess what? Grab some tissues!
Now hand them to me because WHAA YOU'RE 6 NOW?
I blinked and then you became 6 years old. It's surreal. I guess in a way it sort of does feel like it's been 6 years since you've been born, but it really did fly by faster than any one of us ever realized.
Gosh 6 years.
I've kept you alive and well for 6 whole years! That's a huge accomplishment since you are very much BOY. I would go into more detail about thankful I am about avoiding certain buildings with an "ER" symbol on it due to crazy boyish antics (yet) and you have yet to acquire a massive amount of scars due to those same antics (yet) but I'd be really stupid if I said it'd never happen. But you do have your daddy's really good sense of balance and my sense of cautiousness so that has to count for something.
Although you are the point in your life now where jokes about poop, farts, and blood are even MORE hilarious. But if you scratch yourself and draw blood, blood's not so funny then. But then it is again because HAHAH BLOOD LOOK MA I DREW A PICTURE OF A POOPING BIRD THAT POOPS ON A BLOODY BIRD. And then you go into big specifics about how funny that is and that it's not really blood but then it's really cool that a 3rd bird is shot out of a cannon and then you make that bloody too.

Angry Birds isn't bloody right?!

I've consulted some folks about this violent drawing streak and it has been unanimous that you are just a boy. I did worry..thinking "Oh God.. I think I...... I think I have a troubled child" (insert nervous laughter) but now I just laugh with you but tell you how gross that is and you agree..but still laugh.

You are all boy.

You are also a doting brother to your little sis. There are some moments where shear joy is expressed on your face when she screams because you made her scream, but for the most part you are very thoughtful and sweet to her..and you think of her at school a whole lot that even your artwork has her in it.. WITH cat ears. Usually you draw you and her with other friends and just like your pooping and bloody artwork, there's always some action going on.
I've definitely come to the conclusion that comic books are going to be adored by you.

You are finding your place within the family and that's pretty neat to see. You know you are the big brother, the son, the grandson, the great-grandson, the nephew, the friend, and the object of a little girl's crush. You are so good looking. You have the most handsome face that sometimes I catch myself staring at it when you're drawing or playing a video game. I love watching your expressions. You have those big brown eyes and long brown lashes. No wonder all of the girls in your kindergarten class go "OH JAMES HI JAMES!!" SWOOON. Seriously. The teacher has already told us that out of the few boys that are in the class, you are the only boy that treats those girls like little women.
You can thank yourself and Natalie for that later.

You would still eat an entire 5 lb block of cheese if I let you- specifically mozzarella. And probably a 5 lb bucket of ice-cream to go with it. And then ask for more because you're still starving.

You are a fantastic sleeper. I can't even think of the last time you woke up in the middle of the night. And what's really cute is that you told me recently how much you love sleep. I remember when you were a month old, when you weren't sleeping because you were colic, and I thought that you'd always stay as the worst sleeper ever.
But ever since you turned that corner developmentally, you have been ze best sleeper ever. Even when you're sick you sleep like a champ.
You wear a size 1 reg. shoe and even that boggles the mind. I'm pretty sure that in a few years you'll be sharing shoes with daddy. Clothing too.

You love science and math and you love to ask questions about everything and anything. You love running and jumping and climbing, just like all of the other kids, but it amazes me how strong you are.
You have such a way of talking, too. You even sound like a little genius. There are times you've told me these big words like today, you told me that your teacher gave you a fruit as a snack and that it had "choline" in it. That is just incredible.
You love using my camera to make movies. I have quite a few 3 minute long movies to go through on my phone and I love hearing you make one. You talk like you're a talk show host in them, it's so cute.

You are mischievous but you're also a horrible liar (sorry). I can usually catch you in a lie pretty quick. You've gotten way better with the lying so I should stop there because you deserve a whole lotta credit.

Your teacher absolutely adores you and let's us know this all of the time. You are reading at the highest level in the class, along with a few other students, and she's still pushing you, which you kind of hate, but I love. But you take those challenges and run with it. You are such a great reader. I hope you know that. I'm always telling you but I still don't feel like I say that enough.

I'm just so proud of you James. I really can't believe that you are now a 6 year old, independent, thoughtful guy. I am completely amazed at everything you do. I don't tell you that all of the time but hopefully with my big smiles and hugs you seem to understand because you get so excited to tell me what new stuff is going on in your world.

Your world.

A big world with a big you growing in it with your own feelings, thoughts, and joys. I'm just here to keep loving you and making sure that we stay far away as possible from the big building with the ER sign on it. XOXOXO

Love,
Mom (you call me Mom now.. aaahhhh)

Magical.

2011-11-19T22:21:00.001-07:00

Wishes do come true.....

Natalie was granted a wish very recently.

"I want to meet Sweeping Beauty and see her castle and sing with her, you know the song from the movie....I know you..I walked with you once upon a dream....."

Everyone at Make a Wish in Colorado is a saint. I know it. They have already proven it more than once to our family over the course of the past several weeks.

Thanks to them, Natalie's wish will come true.

We are

going to......

I KNOW RIGHT??!!

December 17th to the 23rd.

So many details and exclamation points to come. I promise.

Hey, hows about another list of 10 things?

2011-10-20T13:48:00.001-06:00

I like lists. I also like cupcakes for breakfast. I do not like the coffee my husband leaves for me in the morning (sorry hon!). I like my coffee STRONG but his is so strong that your lips pucker and it almost tastes like you're eating an iron pipe. Yes, even with the heaping cups of flavored creamer added in it.
I never said I was a REAL coffee drinker.
Maybe, I could just dip my cupcake in the coffee?

So! Lists! yes those! How about another one for this fine Thursday? I'm pretty much still in love with this blog but if I want to have any post now, well for now, it has to be in the most elementary-way possible. I think even James could write up a better post now. This would be his:

I'm so lazy I can't even attempt to rotate it.

Natalie could attempt a post but hers would look like this:

CATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCAT...........CAT. CAT
love, NATALIE.

10.) Exhibits A,B, and C:

(if were making a modeling portfolio we would use this one above)

Natalie is convinced that she is a cat. I am convinced, however, that she may be at least part cat because as I type this, she's meowing in my right ear. I'm unsure of what this means for the husband and I.
Those fluffy cat ears are now her official uniform. Last year it was the snowflake dress that she wore all the way until June of this year.

This dress:

This proves that I do take photos of James.

The below photo proves that even other people take photos of James.

Sigh. He's getting so big. This brings me to...

9.) This! Forget "he's getting big" he IS big! I lost track of weights and percentiles like 2 years ago but I think he's in the 185th percentile for those that can inhale each meal the fastest. Except for mashed potatoes. NO mashed potatoes.

8.) Want to see something that looks kind of scary?

No, you are not watching Natalie perform a scene as a "walker" in "The Walking Dead". This poor kid looked like this for a whole week due to that Fifth Disease virus. Stupid Fifth Disease. They should call it "First Disease" because at least then you may feel like you won a prize by getting something first. Fifth. Hmph.

7.) Our area had it's first frost yesterday morning. While walking James to school we took in the crystal-lined grass and bushes. Not so good if you're a gardener, but it really was pretty to look at. This morning we had a little bit of frost and I went back to this spot:

6.) It feels like I didn't take any photos of Fall this year. Probably because I've only taken 6 and they were all this morning. For some reason, it seems like last year the season took a longer time to change. I just remember more colors. Some of my favorite trees are already bare. Yes, I'm whining about this.

5.) Halloween costume update: James is going to be Spiderman this year. He has sent me out to find a mask to go with the costume he already has. I bought that at a thrift store earlier this year just for dress up time. I'm so proud of my almost-6 year old who is okay with my ~~being too broke~~ thriftiness. Bet you can't guess what Natalie is going to dress up as! James was going to be a dog but he changed his mind.

4.) Ricky is fully engrossed into his 2nd semester of schooling. He is taking Physiology and Massage II. He's kicking ass in both. He has realized that sitting up further to the front row of class has it's perks. You get to sit with a whole buncha smart people!

3.) The discussion of moving back to Baltimore has popped up many times. I don't want to discuss too much of this on the blog, but we're just talking. Nothing has been set. We're just trying to cover all bases. It feels good that we already know of a few people who have their arms opened wide for us if we came back. It's a blessing. Right now, it's all discussion, nothing has been planned. We realize that because of the cost and many other reasons, if were to move back to B'more then that's it. No more Colorado.

Not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to be flaky about any of it, so right now it's fair to say that we're taking things week to week and month to month here in Colorado. Has nothing to do with pride anymore. We just are trying to work hard. We're also still waiting to hear about the official word on Natalie's SSI claim. I hope she gets it. She wants to learn piano so bad. There are some inexpensive classes at the rec center.

2.) This makes things even more confusing. So, Ricky was denied the position, officially, on Monday. Their reasoning was because the company requires you to not attend college so you can be all about the company. It's crazy. You go back to school and you end up being denied a job because of it. I totally get why, because the degree he's going to have has zero to do with green technology. But the company knew this before they called him, before they interviewed him, and while they offered the position. It just doesn't even make sense. But, this is where things get really confusing. The staffing agency contacted us the next day saying that his position (the original position) he applied for is still there and to hold onto his hat because they'll come back soon with a start date. hmmmmm. Until he begins his first week there, we are not holding our breaths. There are 2 buildings on the compound there. Building 1 still wants Ricky but building 2 denied him. I know, it makes no sense. But we're hopeful. No matter how exhaustingly shitty it gets, we are still hopeful with this company. But hopeful doesn't mean that we've stopped looking for work. We have about 20 job networking sites on our computer bookmark alone. Although, I feel like giving up on Craigslist.

1.) Would you like to see James' reading skills?

James had his first conference of the school year last week. He and 3 other children in the class are at the top of the class with reading skills. His teacher loves James and had so much good stuff to say about him. "You mean he listens to you??" well okay, I didn't say that to her, but I almost did. Whatever her trick is it's working. But in all honesty, James is doing fantastic in school and he's constantly pushing himself to try more difficult things. And he has fun with it! Now I'm tearing up!
That's my boy. And Natalie, she is as smart as ever too. She is writing her name beautifully, draws just as beautifully, and both kids play school together. James doesn't realize it- but he's teaching her a whole bunch of skills. She doesn't realize it either. It's not going to take much to get her ready for kindergarten.

I think now I know where to start.

2011-10-11T20:34:00.000-06:00

Man. This blog has been such a Debbie Downer lately. I'm kind of sorry for that..but then again, sometimes life is a Debbie Downer.
It also didn't help at all that I felt like a sore, pathetic, sicky all of last week. I really did feel gloomy once I landed into my 2nd week of feeling even worse than the 1st week. And then Natalie was really sick but only looked really sick because she was kind of a hellion for most of last week. It's sad to see your zombie-like-faced child in timeout. But hey, the corner timeout spot does not discriminate! Sick or no sick, it don't matta!

But now I can restart this blog with some good news. At least change the front page story of the blog a little bit. That can't hurt.

10.) So wouldn't ya know it! The job that we were pretty well-convinced was gone forever and forever called Ricky today! But I need to backtrack a little.. once we found out that the staffing agency taking over the hiring was acting like asswipes (and not the good kind) we immediately re-applied for the same position on their website. Which like I said in the last post.. you can actually apply for jobs on their site now! So you can skip the middle man (ie- the staffing agency). They called Ricky today based on his online application! The company didn't put 2 and 2 together. They treated him like a brand new potential employee. So after a really great conversation with the HR person, not only does he have a phone interview tomorrow, but even the HR person laughed because Ricky probably won't have to go very far to be hired again. And yup, wouldn't ya know it, the staffing agency no longer helps them out anymore. Found that out today. Can't say we were surprised. But yeah.. we are actually really surprised. I don't think that we've had it completely sunk in yet that there's another chance for a career opportunity again!

9.) God I'm giddy. But my giddiness does not compare to Ricky's at all. At one point after the phone call from HR he felt like he was going to have a stroke. Totally kidding.. but if he had it would have been a happy stroke. I know, that doesn't exist.

8.) I always say this but I never say it enough- it's amazing what stress does to your body. Good stress and bad stress. Both can cause the craziest body reactions. It's like, once you finally get good news after feeling like you've been pooped on top of for so long, your body has to find a way to figure it all out.

7.) I'm still working every weekend cleaning at the nursing home. Luckily my boss has let me work a few shifts during the week. This has helped out a whole lot. If Ricky does get this new job, I'll either stick to just weekends again or have to leave. Honestly, it all depends on how he manages school, his labs, and working full time and what shifts those would be. Thankfully, my boss has been aware of this for quite a while. It's actually a running joke at my job now because I've over-extended my last day there for a month now. Seriously.

6.) After getting fantastic advice from friends we are now on the path to getting grants and scholarships. Basically, we're at the phase of getting more information and finding applications and "how to's" and stuff. And forget it all just being about Ricky, but it's about me, too! I've decided that I can't wait yet another year to go back to school. I've been itching to go back for years (and YEARS) now. I'm going to attend in the spring because DAMN STRAIGHT. The plan has been changing each year and we had originally decided that I would go back to finish my AA degree next fall once both kiddos are in all day schooling. But I can't wait that long.

5.) Oh and we will be able to pay our rent up for the rest of this year! Yes, we have to add it to student loans but it beats being homeless, hopeless, and not able to even go to school because you have to fight a line to the local shelter every evening! The way we see this extra student loan spending is that it's an investment not only for the future, but for our present.

4.) My left ear has been itching inside it for months now. I can't push a Q-tip in that far ever again. Not only did that hurt but I almost lost the cotton inside it. Great mom figure right there. "You kids cannot ever put things in your eyes or noses, but mama can't push a big 'ol Q-tip in her ears so don't watch! It's an itch she can't scratch aaahhhh. Hey wait, your fingers are tiny enough come here!"

3.) James visited a pumpkin patch with his class last Friday. Thank god I paid for that like a month ago before the job drama. He had the best time and talked about it all weekend long. Even to the point, please forgive me, where he annoyed me. But only because he repeated the same stuff over and over. It's still cute. And he picked out a white pumpkin. I know right? A fucking white pumpkin. Have you ever heard of such a thing as an albino pumpkin?
He proceeded to ask me later in the day how he was going to make it orange.

2.) We're waiting to hear if James gets accepted into his first school club. He chose Spanish Club, where he will learn spanish. He already knows more than I do so why not?

1.) Big deep breath in. Exhale.

I don't even know where to start..

2011-10-07T19:06:00.001-06:00

You know how people ask you "how are you?" or "how's it going?" and you just say "fine." even if you're not really fine. Instead, you want to yell how you really feel about how things are going lately.
Instead of "fine." I really want to say...

10.) that it's totally fucked up that Ricky lost his chance at that awesome job (that was slated to start October 24th) with no reason given. No reason.. just a really nonchalant "oh ..well... that position may or may not start until November..December... hmm.. even January if it does at all". I should have went to the staffing agency's office (the office that the company went through and completed the hiring) and choke someone. Not only did they stop communicating with us..but they are now acting like we're bothering them by asking a simple "why??"

9.) I really want to say how it's fucked up that I can't even take my children anywhere because I have no money. I can't take them to the circus like I wanted.. I can't take them to the zoo.. I can't take my children anywhere in the future at all because I suck as a parent and don't make enough to even pay the full rent.

8.) I really want to say that it's totally fucked up that our rent is late and we all know how that goes.. you're late because you don't have the money yet they charge a shit ton more money for simply being broke. You are penalized for being too poor.

7.) I really want to say that I need your prayers not your criticism.

6.) I really want to scream in pain. Natalie and I caught a virus and at first I had no idea what was happening. I had a 104 temp, chills, and body aches almost 2 weeks ago, felt drained for several days and then felt fine. Then this week I wake up to all of joints so swollen and achey that I want to cry. I couldn't even squeeze the mop bucket right today. Natalie had the rash (really itchey), her lips are so cracked that they bleed (they're getting better so I can't scream about that) and then the virus went to her eyes- causing double pink eye. This is a child who doesn't even go to school. And when I tell people what we caught they look at me like I'm making it up. I wish I was.... my god I wish I was.

5.) I really want to say that I am so sick and tired of being at the bottom of the totem pole. I will remain at the bottom of the totem pole even though I focus so much incredible amounts of time trying to achieve higher than that. I get no where. It does get discouraging. Really fucking discouraging.

4.) I really want to say that I am so sick of my husband.. my talented husband.. being continuously laid off because he's not the right skin color. I honestly don't care if that offends anyone. It's my blog and if you don't like it then go lump it..as my mom used to say. I hate that phrase, actually.
I hate the fact that some people think we enjoy the up and down rollercoaster and that they even have the audacity to blame us for our problems.. like we get joy from all of it. It never occurs to some people that we have zero control over what is happening. The only thing we have control over is how we decide to react to the constant layoffs.

3.) I really want to say that I am so pissed off that we can't even get a reply about Natalie's Make a Wish inquiry. A form was resent to our pediatrician's office so they could answer their questions and help determine if Natalie qualifies for a wish to be granted. Let me say this.. I know that this is a luxury..this is an opportunity that doesn't have to happen just because I want it to. We are not owed anything. But it upsets me that Natalie is being ignored. She is no less important than any other family out there. I want to scream at her doctor's office so bad. I see people going to Disney World.. getting offers of this and that and I can't even get a reply about Natalie. It's not fair.

2.) I really want to say that I'm pissed off that we were given a miscommunicated answer about Natalie's SSI claim by our social worker. They were actually refusing us food stamps because they believe that Natalie's claim was approved. It's been 2 weeks since that conversation ( I even announced Natalie's approval) and now, we're finding out that nothing was ever approved, in reality. We're still waiting for the claim to process and then find out the answer. That really makes me angry.

1.) I really want to say that I go about my day with a smile on my face, but inside, especially lately, I am crumbling. I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't take rejection anymore. I can't take our dreams and hopes being shattered countless times. I feel like I'm not even allowed to feel crushed..like I'm only allowed to brush it off and keep moving. But keep moving where? There's no where to go! I can't take working my fingers to the bone..OUR fingers to the bone..only to get 20 steps backward. I know that I sound like a whiny little girl by writing this post and honestly, I hate typing out these words. I despise the fact that I know we don't deserve to be shitted on but we are..again and again and again and again. I despise the fact that people tell me to "just focus on the positives" because HELLO what positives?? Yes.. I have 2 beautiful children and a husband but it's a blessing for the 4 of us to drown in this shit pond together? That's okay? If it were just me I wouldn't be losing my shit as much. I can head to the nearest shelter, but I'm supposed to be okay taking my whole family there? Have those people who say such things not seen the inside of a shelter before? Probably not..
We're losing everything we worked hard for because we're too poor to keep it. We're not good enough. At least it feels that way. I have a right to whine and bitch all I want. Because at the end of the day I have to keep my cool, get my thoughts together, and be a good mom to my children. I still have to work..I still have to try and be a devoted wife to a man who is crumbling inside just as much as I am. I still have to devote myself to getting our shit together because we don't have a choice. We don't get many options but we have to make the best of the options we do have. Even if I grit my teeth doing it.

feeling fine. feeling fancy.

2011-09-13T18:43:00.003-06:00

Well hello there! It's a been a little while, eh? Where to start.. where to start. I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts or writing up outlines so I'll go ahead and just list the stuff.. why not right?

Here is my list of the 10 most super important (some awesome) things going on right now:

10.) James is kicking ass in school. He loves it. He doesn't love it at 6:45am when he has to wake, however. I always here "I'm tired..leave me alone.. I'm so tired". But then his morning bell rings and he's off like a shot. Then at the end of the school day he runs out excited and his arms are full of schoolwork that he completed. This kid, you guys. This kid, and I don't care how annoying this sounds, but my kid is genius. 'Nuff said. I'm starting to believe that he's actually smarter than me. He's writing full sentences now! He's reading AND he's writing at home for FUN. FOR FUN. I don't want to write Harvard of Yale just yet, but I'm itching to. He counts to 100, can read basic sentences, some words with more than 5 letters in it, and his teacher is awesome. A few weeks ago he had his first test of the year, just to see where all of the students stand and he did great. She's giddy. I'm giddy. We're all giddy! And she pushes him which we completely love! So as much as I can complain that my child didn't get to attend the posh school down the road, he's still kicking ass at this school.

9.) I just learned the other day that I should expect James to grow his 1st set of molars any time now. Just when you think you're child is done teething. ha..ha.......ha.

8.) I just realized the other day that he will also lose teeth any day now. wah....I cry only because he's demanding a dollar a tooth. A quarter will do just fine James. But we did have a debate about it and we've settled on a dollar for the first tooth. He'll make a great lawyer.

7.) We didn't extend our lease for our apartment last month so now we're month-to-month. We're sort of actively looking for something else but waiting to find the right place. I probably spend too many hours looking on Craigslist, then clicking "map", then "nearby" for schools, then looking up the school, then the reviews, and then whatever else. Now that you have a child in elementary school you have to commit to moving only if the next place and the next school are better. So far, no luck..at least in our price range. If push comes to shove we'll just re-sign and stay until next summer then move. Whatever. No biggie. I can go on and on about how this place is getting dumpy but fall and winter are approaching and it's a ghost town outside of our windows so I can't complain too much. We hope to not hear the gansta rap music blaring as much in the months of November through April. That's when the gansta rappers hibernate.

6.) Natalie is totally in love with having mommy all to herself during the day. She's writing her name perfectly now and does it with excitement. She's also completely addicted to "Jimmy Neutron" and "Fairly Odd Parents" on Netflix. I don't think that either show constitutes as educational. Apparently those shows cause ADD now..err something? Whatever. I'm sure I have a second genius on my hands. She, too has sharpened her analytical skills by proving that she will make a great lawyer. I watched "Mr.Belvedere" growing up and that wasn't educational and I turned out just fine.

5.) She doesn't say "fancy" as much anymore.. now things are "fashion". "I'm so fashion mommy". Yes sweetpea, loose feathers on your head are very avant garde.

4.) I realized that I never officially announced on this blog that I have my driving license. The first child in the family. Aside from my own children because I was pretty convinced that they would beat me to the punch.

3.) My last day for my job is coming to a quick end. I work this weekend and that will be it. I'm not exactly ecstatic about it but it's what has to be done for now. It's definitely something that took a long time to decide. I need to be around on the weekends. Missing every single t-ball game that James had was the icing on the cake. The great thing is that the husband will now lose his excuse of "well, I couldn't get anything done because of the kids" when it comes to his homework. So take that husband! It was nearly impossible for him to complete his massage labs, which are hugely counted towards passing his classes. When I'm not around we usually don't have anyone to watch the kiddos. And then if you factor in other stuff (like over flowing weekdays where really 30 hour days would help out a lot) it really became impossible most weekends.

2.) Rick is kicking ass in college. We don't know his final grades yet because this is his last week of the summer semester. But we're pretty sure he got A's or at least really really close to it ( I know he got A's.. he's been doing so well). He took Anatomy and Massage 1. His next semester starts in early October so we'll actually have a few weeks with him home right after work! That will be kind of nice. And even weird.

1.) And speaking of work!! His awesome job begins October 24th! We knew weeks ago it would late-October but now we have an official start date. Words can't even describe how glorious this is. It's a pay cut but it's not construction and it's set. It will be evening shifts 2-11, with him taking classes in the mornings. This will actually become a secondary career for him..something with a future! raises! 401k! vacations! OH MY! I may pass out now from the excitement...

I really shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.. but I do anyway because it's what I do.

2011-08-23T10:14:00.003-06:00

First off.. this school year is already way easier. For the past 2 years I lugged 2 children on several public buses to get to and from preschool (the first year involving a stroller with O2 tank attached.. crowded buses everyday, you get the idea) and this year is already way easier.
Since Natalie isn't going to pre-k this year (still sad about that..but what can ya do) it lets us just take a 2 block walk to James' school. That's it. Just a 2 block walk and not a 2 block walk to a bus stop, then another block walk to the second bus, followed by a 2 block walk to the school and then rinse repeat.
This is so easy.
The only thing I was annoyed about yesterday was how the teacher was supposed to be outside holding a sign for James' class so they could line up for the first few days. The kids and I searched high and low and never found the line (it really was chaotic). So this morning, we did that again and since we couldn't find her, we stood by the doors super close to his classroom and I thought "heck, I'll just walk him in myself". We go in and then here comes his class in a full straight line coming from the front of the school. Sigh.
She definitely wasn't there yesterday. Either she changed spots today or I literally have zero sense of direction. I seem to have trouble finding my way anywhere I go.. literally, I have the brain of a cow when I'm in or around a new building. Actually, that's insulting to cows.
But, I do know that we definitely didn't see his class anywhere outside yesterday. I am 100% sure.

James' first day went really well. He says he already made a new friend and that he really likes his school so far. He loved the story that the teacher read to the class, too.. he kept talking about it. Something about a bucket being full when you're good but it's empty when you're not. Hardcore life lessons there.
He was so excited when he woke up and then like every child out there, this morning he didn't want to go because he was too tired. You can tell he's trying hard to grasp this new transition of full day kindergarten because he's acting up a lot more at home. I sort of expected that. He did the same thing for both years of preschool and then within a week or so he was a totally different kid. A very well-behaved kid. My mom had to babysit for an hour or so last night, which was at the end of the school day, and James gave her such a hard time! He had a full blown tantrum- something I haven't seen in a long long time. That exhausted the heck out of him for today, I'm sure.

Here are 2 photos from my phone that I managed to snap really fast yesterday..

The little boy next to him with the Broncos jersey I believe is his new BFF.

I grabbed this one right before we went in for the first day of school. He was able to ride his scooter to school, which you can see, made him a happy guy.

So far, James' school seems nice. I really love the layout of his classroom and really does remind me a whole lot of his preschool. But that's all I can really compare it to because I never went to kindergarten when I was his age. Actually, I went straight into 1st grade and boy, let me tell you about anxiety. I cried and cried for the first week. And I wasn't totally ready and started to fail a few subjects at first. But then things evened out right before the middle of the year and I ended up doing really well. But boy..did I cry. I remember that. James.. nope..not James. He gave me a kiss (he says, "gimme a kiss") and ran to meet his new friends. Short and sweet.

I started to cry once I left.

******

I love that the school is so close by. I do not like our neighborhood at all. It's changing. It's not changing for the good either. I would be a really upset person if we owned property here that's for sure.

It's the quality of people taking over and the crime is going way up. We moved to this apartment in April of 2010 and I can tell that things are not looking good. The people coming here have zero sense of caring about their neighborhood and let me just put this word out there- it's getting ghetto.

I grew up in a ghetto so I know what it's like.

But this doesn't mean that this neighborhood is hopeless, obviously. Neighborhoods go through phases and can change. We also live in a very crowded area and my family is no better than anyone else's ..or less deserving of great schooling. We also live in a neighborhood with many families who don't understand English and that is tough when your children want to play with other children..but many of those kids don't understand what James and Natalie are saying to them. It sucks.

I've tried teaching James and Natalie basic "hello" and "I want to play with you" statements in Spanish but my kids are hardheads. Doesn't mean I won't keep trying. Luckily, James is in the English speaking class so that will help a whole lot. I almost put him in the bi-lingual class (on purpose) so he could learn Spanish but Spanish is primarily spoken.

Look, I get it... my family can't be choosers when we're beggers. We don't have the right to judge or feel superior to anything or anyone. You get what you get when you live where you've decided to live. Granted, when you're kind of poor you don't have many options. And I know for sure that James' school has a mixture of children who come from all sorts of income levels. I really don't even care about that. It is a community school where I know for a fact that many children go there because it's close by and not because the parents prefer them there. It is an underperforming school and I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. I mean c'mon, I'm supposed to look out for these things. I doubt James (or Natalie) will be there past a year (or less) from now so the low test scores really won't mean much for us. I mean, the test scores are so low compared to the state average that I gasped. For example, there's pretty much zero emphasis with science past 3rd grade. That's sad. I don't like to use greatschools.net for everything because it's only one resource and it can be bias. Their rating is a 2 out of 10 but what I did like was how the reviews from parents were good. So, you have to sort of decide for yourself.

I'm happy that James is in his local school. Once he leaves that school, I worry for the students that stay there, though. And with the HUMUNGOUS budget cuts for this new school year I'm more scared. But at the same time, I have to look out for James and Natalie and I can't worry too much (but I still do).

We know our days are numbered in our small 2 bedroom apartment. We know that. We're looking at options and figuring out ways to afford something else soon. We could go month-to-month here and look or sign our new 6 month lease and move next summer. It all depends on what works best. We've though about the idea of moving in with my mom and stepdad to combine incomes to rent a whole house. That would give us even more options for education! And it would be really affordable for my family.. actually, we'd save money. But then we're looking at living with 2 other people. A lot of families are doing that these days and it's a great idea.

We're deciding.. carefully thinking and planning. It's all we can do. No matter how poor my family is doesn't mean we can't "one up" it. Luckily, we can always try to see ahead and plan accordingly. We refuse to accept the bottom of anything which is very bittersweet. Great because you keep those eyes and ears open for opportunity if you want to change things for the better. Not so great, because we have to work even harder and it feels like there are extra obstacles. It's kind of how this country is ran now.. Maybe that's just in my head.. I dunno.
But for now, James will keep going to his local school and whatever changes happen (and if they do) we'll plan things the best we can. There really isn't much more you can do.

Natalie's story.

2011-08-20T19:29:00.002-06:00

Natalie was born at 11:30pm, April 21st of 2007 in our home state of Maryland and to be even specific, she was born in Annapolis. Little did we know that this adorable, squishy, newborn had an undetected severe heart defect when we took her home. A heart murmur, like with most brand new babies, was detected at birth but nothing was ever pushed further and we went on our way home 24 hours after Natalies' birth.
Her color was rosy and pink. The occasional purple color would pop up on her feet, but we thought that since we could tell that she was going to have really fair skin like her daddy, we didn't worry.
A few days after birth Natalie had her very first pediatric well checkup and the murmur was super loud. Armed with our referral we were able to book an appointment with a specialist at Johns Hopkins Hospital for May 8th, 2007- 17 days after her being born.
Hearing the diagnosis was and still is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You definitely don't forget it. Hearing the words "Tricuspid Atresia, Atrial Septal Defect, and Ventricular Septal Defect" were like words of a whole other language for us. I remember looking at diagrams, reading all sorts of articles and stories online, and just feeling totally and completely overwhelmed and terrified.
Thankfully, the pediatric cardiologist had fantastic bedside manners and was very compassionate and took his time explaining everything.
I sat there holding Natalie, crying, just wanting to go home that day of May 8th. I kept thinking "there has to be something else other than having to open her chest for help this... there has to be". I also thought about what her life was going to be like from this point on. Will she survive? How did this happen? What did I do to cause this? Oh my god........

Finding a way to stay strong for her (we had to), we all fed off of each other's positivity and comfort. Natalie constantly showed us how tough she was and we kept getting more comfortable with her prognosis and surgeries. Right before he first heart catheterization to prepare for her first open heart surgery called the "bi-directional Glenn Shunt" for October, she began to go through the pre-stages of heart failure. You know things are scary when the cath doctor actually tells you that they need to rush surgery or your child will die very very soon. More words no parent should ever hear.
Her oxygen went from the first months of life being in the mid to low 90s to the mid-70s with a constant shade of gray skin.
About a week after her late-September 2007 heart cath, a 5 month old Natalie had her first shunt on October 1st, 2007 at Hopkins. We later find out that this is the same exact day that The Children's Hospital of Denver opens (where she receives care now). She had her surgery on a Monday and went home that Friday. She healed beautifully with zero complications.
She proved how well she could handle her own by having her Fontan procedure completed on January 12th, 2010 at The Children's Hospital of Denver and leaving the hospital 6 days later, beating the hospital's record by 1 day.
Again, zero complications.
We know for sure that the heart catheterization she had in October of 2009 at TCHD played a humungous role in helping her body and heart prepare for her Fontan. That was her 2nd heart cath ever, and the one that actually caught 3 collateral veins growing in her mammary glands. Those were coiled with platinum. Which does make Natalie even more priceless now. ; )

Aside from some gross motor delays with her leg muscles (due to a very paranoid mommy post-surgeries), Natalie never had any complications from her procedures. There were a few scary moments of her recovery with the Fontan, but everything always evened itself out: blood pressure dropping way too low all the way to blood in her urine. But everything always fixed itself. Her body always seemed to know exactly what to do. To a T.
This always has doctors and surgeons even marvel at her recovery and heart function. As her pediatric cardiologist Dr. Ravekes from Hopkins has said (and I always quote to the point of annoyance) "Natalie's body is made for this".

Natalie is now just like any other 4 year old. Smart, hilarious, in her "mine mine mine" stage, outgoing, sweet, sour, and is the epitome of GIRL. She is tough.. so tough that she's already giving us signs that she may one day become a veterinarian or some other type of doctor. She's becoming increasingly more aware of all of her chest scars and loves to talk about her "crazy heart" (as she calls it). She only takes a baby aspirin daily. She is feisty, full of life, and full of energy. This kid is going places in life and her half of a heart will never stop her.

She's our dreamer.....

THEN... 10-1-07

AND NOW... 8-17-11

5 days of being gluten-free and all I have left is an empty wallet.

2011-08-19T10:25:00.001-06:00

5 days is probably not long enough but it was like eternity to the hubby. He didn't kick or scream through the process, but he did make me feel bad about the bread situation.
He hated every kind of bread I brought to him. Being without a bread-maker I had to resort to buying gluten-free bread. Have you ever seen how expensive it is? $4 to $6 a loaf? With a product that isn't totally complete, you sure do pay an arm and a leg. I think my loaf is still on layaway at Whole Foods. And let's face it, gluten is what makes bread so yummy. It holds it all together- the glue if you will. It keeps it moist and wheat works as a preservative. Gluten-free breads must stay frozen or eaten very quickly because it will spoil faster than you can say "spoil" or "this sucks".
Rick has worked most of this week and needs sustenance when he works. He needs calories and some fat and salt because of the conditions he works in. The biggest challenge, aside from the money issue.. issue being we don't really have any... was eating at work without his beloved pb&j falling apart. The gluten-free bread is already very flaky so if add wet peanut butter and jelly to it you have mush. He doesn't have a freezer, refrigerator, or decent cooler for work (he used to have a really nice cooler and we lent it to someone and in turn they threw it away.. nice).
With all of the money I spent on gluten-free products I could have bought him a new cooler.
So, we're stuck with foods that won't spoil while he works in the heat.
There's a job prospect coming up any day now (we'll find out if he got it) and they have a fridge, freezer, and even lockers! I know right?! That will help out a whole lot.
But 5 days wasn't long enough. In our experiment, he ended up feeling worse and more hungry. And the hunger just made his stomach pains worse. We're thinking we should have waited to try out this experiment until he was able to have proper lunch food. But we did it because that's what I do.. I jump into these things, catching him off guard because that's the only way to do it.
With his symptoms getting worse and not better during the week, we thought it was a good idea to start looking into other ideas. He's going to see his doctor soon and maybe get a food allergy test. We have one of the best allergy testing programs here in Colorado that's actually one of the best in the nation so I'm hoping he goes there. There, they can test him for egg, nut, and other allergies. He says as a child he was allergic to eggs, so I don't know. You never know!
If we have to we'll revisit the gluten-free diet we definitely will. For now, we have to look at other alternatives. Which sucks. But I have to pay attention to how his body reacts.
Speaking of reactions.. here are some of the products we tried.. I'll start with what he liked:

I made these exactly to the directions and they turned out looking like this:

Very dry and crumbly but really tasted like a real chocolate chip cookie. And they promote that they have a shit ton of dark chocolate chips in it and they really do! Was definitely impressed with these.

I think he and I both liked every gluten-free option we could find from Amy's.

The Udi's brand is pretty outstanding. The granola was probably his biggest favorite. He loves it with yogurt in the morning.

Except for the bread. Hubby HATED HATED HATED the Udi's bread.. okay wait that wasn't even the same brand it was this kind:

DOH! Just added an "R" there. Food is confusing ya'll.

I went a few days thinking I was buying "Udi's" bread.

In all seriousness, he actually called this particular bread "palatable". I'm thinking he's using fancy words now because of our overwatching of "MasterChef".

He really liked this cereal. They probably didn't even need to add the "gluten free" label because I thought it was already GF for like..forever? Maybe not. I dunno. This food stuff is confusing ya'll.

The kids ate this and they liked it. I secretly thought it tasted like mushy pasta water. Very strange.

An online forum suggested we try this kind instead.. quinoa pasta. Haven't tried it yet and if I said I wasn't at least a little nervous about it I'd be lying. The price tag is anxiety-inducing though.

Now this 5 pack of beauties....

I love food. I eat pretty much anything and I don't complain. Especially if I'm eating it because I'm hungry. This? was completely disgusting. New York should be pissed. I toasted it lightly and put a decent amount of cream cheese on it and the spongy-custardy texture and "off" taste couldn't be hidden. I actually had the aftertaste for a while. Even my coffee couldn't hide it.

Thankfully, Rick never tried these or he would probably have died. Not to be too dramatic.

Whatever is left I'm gobbling up. Even if I have to do it on my own. Just not those bagels though. Maybe the ducks and geese will eat them. Or maybe not.

Why I left the CHD community on Facebook.

2011-08-18T12:05:00.000-06:00

It's no surprise that I am very wishy-washy when it comes to Facebook. I've written about this about a gazillion times in the past few months and I'm even annoyed with myself. Let's face it: if you're so wishy-washy with something you should probably just leave it alone. You should just walk away and not even feel bad. Because life goes on and life is not actually ruled by how well you use something like Facebook. Unless you're doing really bad things on there and you are definitely not using it for the right reasons.

In my case, I've always tried to use it for the right reasons. I started out only adding close friends, friends through friends.. pretty much just the people who I met and know in real life. That was it's purpose for me: to keep in touch with people who I thought would want to keep in touch with me and my family. Then I started seeking out a whole bunch of people connected to the Congenital Heart Defect community. Lots of moms, a few dads, but mostly moms. I was also really lucky to become connected to actual survivors. That, for me was what I needed to see and hear about.. survivors living their lives and sharing how. I immediately gravitated towards that because with each survivor meant bigger possibilities for Natalie.
That can be great.. but then again, it can be damaging when you depend on a social networking site to tell you how you think you're young daughter's heart condition will play out. Even though you promise yourself you won't do that.. you'll separate her situation from the rest.. it becomes impossible.

I ended up spending more time trying to find time to pray and think of all of these families than spending time with my own survivor. My own flesh and blood. And I can't forget that there is a 5 year old who needs just as much love and attention.. and let's also not forget there's a husband there too!

I started to lose myself into Facebook. I became totally consumed with who had what surgery, how they did, why they passed away, who else passed away, and why. I became completely consumed with thinking about these families.. wanting these moms and dads to like me.. "hey like me like me I have a survivor TOOOO".
But could I remember all of their children's names who were CHD survivors or angels? Nope. Sadly, only some of them. Did they remember who Natalie was? Sometimes. Did I spend too much time talking about these families in my own real world outside of Facebook? Yep. Did it start to create even more damage to my already-overly-stressed-out marriage? Yep, again. And as you already know, that has it's own stresses without social networking.

The day that I went on my second deleting rampage with Facebook was when I discovered that a new "buddy" was the talk of some discussion about being "crazy", "strange" and a few other not-so-nice words. And I already have a huge problem with trusting people so this was like adding fuel to that fire. I realized that having almost 150 or so CHD contacts was just an open door for more drama. A door that needed to be closed, but I have enough crazies in my real life.

So I whittled my list down to about 80 people.. and as horrible as it felt to click "delete" for each little default picture that I came across, it felt slightly freeing. Freeing because I needed out. I needed to just focus on my own CHD child and no one else's child. It is totally selfish and I'm okay with that. But I spend most of time and pretty much my entire life being self-less that I had to do this. For a change, Dawn had to be a little selfish.. I'm sure.. I'm positive that it was a good thing in the long run.
Did anyone really care? Probably not.. because I am just another Facebook user. Should anyone care? Not at all.. because if I deleted you it was only because you were connected to a community that I need to separate from for a while. No ill feelings whatsoever. At least on my side. I actually miss a few people.. really bad. But I know that what I did was right for my sanity.. for my children.. for my husband.. for my marriage.

In turn, I want to spend (and have been spending) more time with this almost-6 year old blog. I am switching gears and doing something that has been more consistent and concrete in my life. There is life beyond CHD in my household and there are pre-CHD days that I love to look back on and post-CHD days that am so looking forward to. I am so fortunate that some contacts completely understood my "escape" from the Facebook CHD community. It's a really stressful community as would be any illness-related community anywhere.. not just Facebook. It is full of some enormously giving and caring people.

getting ready for our new (old?) routine take 2 = FAIL.

2011-08-17T15:25:00.000-06:00

I keep promising myself and the kids that I will try harder to get them better prepared for those early 6:30am wakeup days. No more Monday through Thursday with Friday being our fun sleeping in day. Nope nope nope. Now it will be Monday through Friday and with me still having to get up even earlier for working on the weekends. Goodbye 8am sleeping in time to 6:30am being the new sleeping in for this mama.

I meant to set the alarm last night for 7am, I really did. I had every intention of waking up and then getting the kids up at 7:30am to keep each day this week in line with a half an hour earlier wake up time. It's Wednesday and the kids slept until 8:30am. So did I.

I was tired, yo. In my defense I was up until almost 1am doing something super important stuff... no.. really! "True Blood" is serious stuff.

Tomorrow is Thursday and I plan on sticking to my plan. It will stick like white on rice. Like duct tape to an old car. Like old doctor visit stickers to clothing! you know, those stickers that you end up washing accidentally and then the jacket or shirt has a really strange, slightly gross, sticky spot on it and even old hair and lint is caught in it?

My plans will stick JUST like that.

I will be able to sleep in again next summer. Or maybe I've already figured out what I want for my birthday.

ramblin' Tuesday part deux.

2011-08-16T10:52:00.000-06:00

*Yesterday, James asked me what a "douchebag" was.

*Natalie just told me that my legs are prickly.

*I caught James playing a game on PS3 where you drive a car, people cuss ( a lot), you dodge police cars, and someone keeps shouting "douchebag". Mystery solved.

*Definitely having a talk with the husband later about that game. Now I know why yesterday, while I was work, the day was so FUN.

*I think the husband believes that I want to see him suffer, truly suffer while trying out this gluten-free diet. The only suffering I have witnessed so far is him making less trips to the bathroom. But that doesn't really count as suffering.

*6 more days until James starts kindergarten and just typing that out made me have that lump in my throat and slight swelling in my eyelids.

Day 1 of the gluten-free diet..

2011-08-15T18:57:00.001-06:00

Some of you already know but I figured I'd post something a little more in detail about this new "adventure" with eating. Not for me though, for the husband.

It's an adventure all right. The only thing missing is the adventure part.

So for the past several months the husband and I have been toying with the idea of cutting gluten out of his diet. As I've mentioned in this blog before, he has had severe issues (some days less severe but definitely worth heavy concern) with his stomach. He has pain all day long and has colonic spasms. It's pretty gross to see it in real life. Trust.
And I'm pretty sure it's more gross for him to have his colon spasm and not really be able to do anything about it. But his symptoms.. the most severe of his symptoms started about a year and a half ago. Around January 2010. Since then, he's lost a ton of weight and feels like crap. I could go into more detail but he'd say "why'd you post this? aaahhhhh" so to respect his privacy (whatever privacy we have left) I'll leave out the details. But his issues with digestion and pain have produced so real diagnosis other than a blind diagnosis of "Severe Irritable Bowel Syndrome". Following last year's colonoscopy, we've been stumped. Nothing showed on those tests and supposedly the doctors checked for celiac disease, which is a severe allergy to all things gluten (think wheat). Me personally? I don't think they checked for celiac disease. They never took a blood sample. We also ruled out GERD as a possibility. His symptoms, after careful research for over a year now, mimic those of a celiac disease patient. They mimic exactly.

Not to be the annoying, nagging wife here, but I've kindly said to him many a times that pain, constant pain in your abdomen is not normal. It's never normal, especially at age 30. I know he's so tired of me talking about it.. and I know he's exhausted with trying to figure out what's wrong..but you can't figure out what's wrong unless you do something about it. Call me crazy, but I think we may have a shot at this cutting out gluten business. It's crazy how many things you wouldn't expect have gluten in them! Soy sauce, fudge pops, and even *GASP* licorice.

Today was the first day and he already failed. But that's okay. I love him. And he only ate a bowl of pasta so it wasn't anything else. Last night, I bought him so many things that I know he already loves.. things that are already gluten-free like hotdogs, pudding, yogurt, rice, vegetarian beans, tortilla chips, salsa, and surprisingly "Barq's Rootbeer". I bought him a few special things that are labeled gluten-free: chocolate chips cookies, pasta, quick oats, and pizza.

We'll see how it goes. Day 2 will be a little more challenging because he works and he LOVES PB&J. It would be totally fine.. but he hates the gluten-free bread I found. He says it crumbles too much.

Well.. we'll give this a go for at least a week. Wish us luck! ( thinking we may need some ). Thinking we may need more options for some tasty food, too.